Category: Life

Last Hours

I have learned a lot. There were many tears because a lot has happened. I thank God for all the tears. There were days I thought I was possibly suffering from depression. One minute I was up and the next I wasn’t sure if I’d be happy again. But I had a lot of support and encouragement. I have been blessed with an amazing friend that I was able to share the year with. Someone who changed my life drastically. I am forever indebted to them for their patience. This year has been tough.

There were nights I didn’t have dinner. There were days I didn’t have a dollar. But there were friends who feed me, and provided what they could. I thought I was losing out on fun because of the lack of funds. Although, I started a new job with a higher salary than my last. Things were difficult but it was a change that I am happy about. I needed it. And this is only the beginning.
Despite the difficulties of life and love, I have learned to let go, to communicate more, something’s I cannot control, its okay to be sad, its okay to be disappointed, its okay to love and not receive love, your family isn’t your burden, and always love yourself more. There is much more to say but these notions define the trials and tribulations of my year.
2016 resolutions, yes I do resolutions,
     Drink more water
   If I don’t like it, I will say so
 Say NO!
 Lose 10 to 15 more pounds
Save more money
Finish spring semester smoothly
Take a trip for my birthday (currently planning)
Be more active on my blog
Tell the people I love that I love them
Give love one more try
This may seem simple but its not! There will be days when it will be tough again. But we choose the energy that we bring into our world. I am no longer letting unwanted energy come in the way of my happiness.  

Happy New Year!

Today

I woke up and had my tea before my commute. That was refreshing. I laid in bed for longer than I knew I was suppose to be in the bed for, but due to my 10 hour day on Friday, I have no problems taking a half hour back.

I told myself I won’t let my Sunday flow into my Monday.  Yesterday, I had to replace my car battery, repair a broken nail that I assumed was fixed 6 hours earlier then needed to preform surgery at 12 am, and took hours to eat because my brunch date was canceled. I woke up in pain and when I’m stressed my neck hurts. But not today Satan. 
Currently bumping Mr. Bryson Tiller in my headphones while looking at the beautiful faces on the train. 
It finally feels like a New York Winter. Today will be good. 

43



I was a no bra, cheap jeans, blouses that didn’t appeal to my body wearing, 214 pounds at the age of 23.

I was 20 when I thought I was doing the right thing by avoiding pregnancy when I took the Depo shot. I mean, I barely had money for myself and not to mention the guy in my life had no money to take me to the movies much less. It was a mess. All I thought about was the nickels I was making while attempting to get a C in my Anatomy class.

Six months later I was literally 50 pounds heavier. My stretch marks started to hurt while they developed all over my body. I was stressed. My family gave me about 4 nicknames in that period of time to remind me of much weight I gained. Every old friend that hadn’t seen me in years asked me if I had just given birth. It was real. My breast grew from a 34B to a 38DD.

It wasn’t until I realized that I could no longer keep buying these cheap jeans to wear that I went to Macy’s to buy a pair of Levi’s. I picked up a size 10 and 12. I walked into the fitted room and undressed. Even took off my sweater. I starred in the mirror in amazement. I avoided mirrors for a couple years. I really didn’t notice my weight. Or maybe I couldn’t face that I had gained so much. I tried on both sizes and neither of them fit. I walked out of Macy’s with a size 14. It took me a month to wear those jeans. But I tell you, it was the only pair of jeans that made me comfortable. So I wore them all the time! I still have them.

On a routine visit to see my favorite GYN (he was the one who delivered me at birth), as he looked down at my record weight, verbatim he said “men don’t like fat women”. I was so offended. But that day changed my life. He told me that I had a cyst on my ovary the size of a tennis ball and I was diagnosed with PCOS (poly cystic ovarian syndrome). He said ” at the rate of your weight gain, you may not be able to have children”. He prescribed me birth control and Metformin. I walked out the office, called my best friend and told her what he said. I never showed her the emotion I felt inside. I went home and cried.

I wanted to be sure that it was all a lie. That I was going to be able to have children. I watched YouTube, I googled the hell out PCOS research, I researched many diets to lose weight, and that’s when I found out about blogs. I started my first post about my PCOS and my struggles. At that time, I was 10 pounds lighter because my top weight was 225lbs.

Yesterday, I went to visit my favorite doctor after three long years. He looked up from my recorded weight and said “I’m proud of you. You were 43 pounds three years ago when I last seen you.” He continued you his check up. Looked at my ovaries with his sonogram machine, and said “All clear, you can have babies, are we trying to get pregnant?” Nah son. But I was so happy! I kept the consistency of birth control and weight loss that I have successfully treated the syndrome. I share this because before this visit I archived and seen my struggles with my weight insecurities, you can do it! It was hard but it can definitely be done.

I have 10 pounds to goal… And better get fit for wedding season (covers eyes).