Cliché, a little

This post started at 12:37 pm, on the 5 train, two stops away from my destination.

The problem with October and actually posting was making time for it.  Continue reading “Cliché, a little”

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Ok, I’m here

It’s the middle of October and I finally made it here.

There’s a lot to say because there’s a lot to feel this month.

I’m learning that my words are powerful and that I am choosing to be silent.

I’m happier in other areas of my life than others but I’m well.

My no meat diet is in full effect but carbs are controlling my life.

I went to the gym to blow off some steam in hopes that my neck pain will subside but the fluctuating temperature has other plans for my neck.

Knowledge is power and I’m praying that I can effectively apply something that I had learned in a training this week to a future meeting coming in a couple days because as simple as my job is, it can be difficult at times too.

I can be a bit more positive, but give me some time to process, I’ll do better soon. I’m looking forward to some well needed time off in the beginning of next month. Trip? Maybe.

How has the month been going for you?

Intentions and Goals

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Yesterday, I received a text from my cousin reminding me to journal because of the eclipse. Over the last few days I’ve been trying to find something to put on paper. My emotions are on high, my heart is extremely soft, my vulnerability is evident, and I’m honestly overthinking shit.

I sometimes just want things to move smoothly but not perfect. I try to think this way with almost everything but with September approaching and being a very crucial month, I’m on eggshells. I just want it to be smooth. However, for things to move as smoothly as possible I need to work out some intentions and goals for the last few months of the year. It’s imperative for me to see all these intentions and goals through to my next steps. Continue reading “Intentions and Goals”

Nouvelle Année

This year started way better than it did last year. I was in between tears, frustrated with my job, was ready to be on my own, I was in my feelings over my ex that I missed like crazy but wasn’t trying to act on my emotions because I learned that shit got neither of us anywhere but the current place we’re in right now (nowhere), and school was busting my ass. Yes, it was one of my few depressive states. I barely spoke to my friends, I sat at happy hour alone many nights because it was the only entertainment I was willing to accept. I was not a happy person at all but look how things change in just a year!   
Okay so here are the resolutions for the new year: 
Go back to the gym
Read 5 books
Go on an international vacation 
Buy more art for my apartment 
Take 5 national trips (The Bay, Chicago, New Orleans, ATL, Texas) 
Buy myself something really nice 
I’m entering a new journey this year. I start my new job tomorrow, I’m anticipating my submission for graduation in a few months, and all the amazing things that God has for me! I’m praying for good health and to see year 28 in April. I’ve been praying.

Do you do resolutions? If so what’s on the agenda? 

In 365 days

I woke up feeling sad this morning. Laid in bed for an extra hour just thinking. Trying to figure out where my feelings were coming from. In that moment, I thought of a few things that may possibly be triggering, but realized that I am more mad than sad about them. I got dressed, made my usual cup of tea, checked the weather, and stopped in the middle of my room and said to myself out loud “I need to figure out how to get out of this, whatever I am feeling I just have to make sure it’s not true”.
Put my headphones on, opened my sound cloud app, sat on the bus (my car is for another day); I thanked and smiled at the bus driver as I exited. It still feels airy.
My cousin has a way of reaching out to me when I’m feeling some type of way, it’s like she knows. She sends me some YouTube inspiration to watch and I sign in. Scrolling through my subscriptions, I noticed one of my favorites returned to YouTube after a year.  If you watched his stuff before, you know he’s a mood changer, and will bring your spirits to life, but this last video is different.
Depression is real. Sickness is real. Death is real. Life is real.
It seems as if 2016 has been one of those years for many. As the New Year starts, things are becoming better, but there are something’s that I am still fighting to get through.  Do not judge a book by its cover. Learn to meet people where they are. Accept people for who they are. Do not assume. Ask question. Practice patience. Forgive others. Forgive yourself. Be vulnerable if you have to. Let your guard down. Ask for help. Pray.

We are all just going through some shit, be empathetic.

12

It’s the end of 2016. 
A lot has happened. 
I’ve cried so much this year. No one tells you about the mourning in Growth
However, I did well for the end and the start of this year. 
Follow me through this month for all the good, bad, and indifferent of 2016. 
But for now, 
How are you? What’s going on?

NOVEMBER



October was one of those months that I taught myself to learn from but forget. I compare October to elementary school. Why? Because I was bullied and if you asked me anything from elementary school, I cannot remember, and I refuse to try. October will be blocked out of my memory so if anyone ever asks me about October of 2016, I’ll say something along the lines of “pardon, who, when, not sure, next?”. Right.
Highlights of October:
Yesterday, I looked and felt like shit, but the cashier at the gas station (that’s always trying to have small talk) tells me how amazing I look without make-up, um thanks (I accepted his compliant). One of the kids in the shelter made me a basket for Halloween and filled it with Butter Finger chocolate bars. The last guy I dated paid enough attention to know how much I love them. This made my day and opened up my love reel.
Over the weekend, I actually went to the movies. I don’t like the movies but I went. Discuss the film? Nah. I have a lot to say but I will not be the one publishing a think piece.
Goals for November:
Budgeting
I made a major decision that completely compromises my peace of mind that allows me to save. Budgeting is a different story. Shit happened, and I choose. So, now that my money is different, I need to budget because other big things are in the works. I’ll be reading a few financial blogs during this month. With all the sacrifices, I’m actually blessed for this opportunity, even if my peace of mind is compromised. I’ll talk about all the big things that happened and are coming my way in December!
Exercise
I guess I shouldn’t bring this up but I gained 10 pounds (as per the scale in my parents house), and I’m not happy about it. Back to running, my Nike training app, and dieting.
Studying
Undergraduate. These are the busy months and two of my classes will be ending. I hustled up and decided to go full time this semester because from the looks of things, your girl should be finished by next semester. But it doesn’t stop, I’ll be studying the GRE for grad school in the next couple of months. Prayers until I get there.
Affirmations
My ability to conquer my challenges is limitless; my potential to succeed is infinite”.
When I am highly frustrated, I prefer to be alone. I sometimes don’t know how to communicate my frustrations because I keep them in and when I do this, and try to communicate how I feel, I blow up. Every now and then, I’m reminded of my last blow up at the end of July that haunts me in my dreams. What I’ve learned is that emotional intelligent is learned and regardless, no one deserves my aggression. Which means that I still have a lot of growing to do. I apologize when I’m wrong but instead of apologies, I can learn to express myself better. So let’s just say, these days are frustrating and I’m exercising saying what it is that is frustrating me to my friends/peers, and it’s working. (Taps myself on the back) I’m just trying to break some habits.
More to Conquer 

– Amanda