Life – Page 39

Mind over matter

I’ll keep this short and simple.

I was suppose to start my January with resolutions but, I was overcoming other things.

I haven’t been drinking water as I said I would.

I went to the gym once in January, on the 31st.

I’m okay, at work for now, but I’m playing my cards right.

I am going to be positive this month.

I would love to run but my gluteus hurts. Maybe if the weather lighten’s up, I can run in Philly over the weekend.

This too shall pass.

About last Friday….

Cliché to do the new year / new me post bullshit but there’s no new me. I’m just adding to the manuscript.

It’s almost a week into the new year and beside drinking water like I said I would, I had no problems recently saying how I feel to someone whom maybe I shouldn’t even had given attention to. It felt good though.

Beside my sadden Sunday, I actually enjoy sitting alone at happy hour. It’s better than purchasing my own bottle and drinking my sorrows away, that I don’t believe in, happy hour allows you to drink what you can afford. But I enjoy sitting at the bar reading through archives of my favorite bloggers. Some of you are connecting with me. It’s almost spiritual. It’s also giving me an opportunity to plan out my move, hopefully by the beginning of next year. New city, new “me” (maybe).

I didn’t want to be alone for New Year’s, well since I have never really brought it in by myself anyway, I jumped up and brought it in with my two amazing long time friends at church. Church is always good. What happened after church, well, I didn’t do anything strange for some change. I came in at a reasonable hour. Slightly inebriated. But I was good. And I looked good.

I praise myself about my 43 lbs. I need to tighten up my stomach but I look good. Yes, let me toot my own horn, (toot toot).

It’s been almost a week… What’s “new” ?

Sunday

It’s 7:31 pm Sunday night, I’ve been waiting a whole hour to be seated at the bar since the ratchets decided to have a big ass brawl at the local Friday’s.

Came across a new blogger and immediately connected. Just to sum up what I have read, she told an old lover that she was lonely.

I’m lonely. And I’ve known this for some time now. My parents are literally 10 blocks away from me, my sister is still there too, I live with my cousin, I speak to my best friends often, but I can’t shake this shit.

I’m lonely with love. I wrote him a letter and sent it in a card, told him that what I am going through is Rehab. Currently I am trying to learn to shed the love that I have for this man daily. It’s really hard to do when someone has been apart of your world consistently. What makes it so much harder is that I didn’t really know how much I truly loved this guy until our intimacy needed to end.

I fought with myself for months trying to find a way to still have him selfishly. “Being friends” after falling in love. Shit makes no sense. How do I separate the idea that he’ll belong to anyone else but me. Nah, fuck this. I just can’t speak to him until I am okay.

But what’s so scary is that, I really don’t think I’ll ever be okay. This love is a different kind of love. Break ups are hard for me but nothing like this one. Usually I’ll be good after a month or over of separation. Not to start dating again, but my functioning would be okay. Not this time. I fall apart when I wake up, when I leave work, when I’m walking to my car, when I’m in the shower, when I go to bed, and even in my damn sleep.

I guess when you love someone who doesn’t hurt you, it is harder to let them go. That’s the part that hurts the most. Coming to grips and reality that I’m in this boat again. Having to communicate with other men when I am not interested, but only because I am not alone.

But I’m trying. Taking this as a teaching moment.