Lately I’ve been ignoring my friends. I don’t want to seem mean but I can’t deal with all the madness in their lives. For once in a long time, I am extremely content in my current life. I have a new Job and a comfortable living situation. But the only thing I can sort of agree with them on is their views on love, but on a slim spectrum.
My friends are becoming mothers, arguing with their spouses about marriage, and bashing men all at the same time. I don’t like all that negativity so I’ve been hiding from everyone. Call me selfish but when you’re in a different space in your life, you sometimes can’t relate with others.
I don’t want to be a mother yet. Being a mother is a selfless position in life. Not that I can’t be selfless but right now, I am selfish. I am working on myself and my future so that I am able to give my children a different upbringing than what I’ve had. I want the moon, stars, planets, dammit the universe for my little ones! I dream about how great they’ll be. I pray for them now everyday. I work on myself now so I can provide the best for them. I want the best for them and if I do not work on me, I won’t be able to give to them.
I don’t want to be married, YET. I’ve always viewed marriage as the “MAN’s” decision (We all may differ, no judgement) but the other piece to that is, I haven’t quite met anyone that made me see the “white dress and bouquet”. I have been in love before and currently am, I’m just not seeing the wedding. Anyone I’ve dated, I’ve seen something futuristic with us but not as far as a wedding goes. Currently with the guy that I’ve been seeing, some days are happier than others, sometimes we get a bit frustrated with one another, he makes me feel secure, he makes me laugh, he’s sometimes awkwardly sweet, I melt when I still see his name pops up on my phone, there is no cold world when I’m with him, yes I’m in love with this guy. I’ve expressed that I do want to be married someday and he’s expressed the same. Dating him has taught me that I need to work on myself some more. I have short term and long term goals needing some major work that has to be taken care of before thinking of “I do”. I’m not concentrated on marriage right now so that when I am trying on my white dress, I can be ready and selfless. Marriage is selfless. If you’re not in a selfless marriage, you aren’t supposed to be married at all.
I don’t bash men. We’ve all been hurt once or twice and if there is a third time, you pray that there will not be a forth. Some men have loved us, some have used us, some have lied, some have cheated, some were just selfish, but what you allow is what happens to you. I am a firm believer in you already knew. You knew, he’s showing you signs, he’s saying things to you, you’re hearing and seeing everything but in that beautiful heart you have “hope”. I know “hope”. I’m currently ‘hoping” for more, for the “one”, for security, for me to not get hurt AGAIN. I have been there too. But not for once will I bash any man for what another man has done. Learn and move on. It won’t always be easy to do but it can be done. Learning is growth. Some of my friends are way too sour and won’t take accountability. This I can’t be around because I can not agree with their “he ain’t shit” method of thinking.
I just want my job to be stressless for as long as possible. I want my living situation to be comfortable enough so I can accommodate myself accordingly for my next move. I want my guy to be happy, even if its not with me. I’ll be happy because he is happy. Its just that simple, not black and white, a whole lot of gray, but all I want is HAPPY.