All I want is HAPPY

Lately I’ve been ignoring my friends. I don’t want to seem mean but I can’t deal with all the madness in their lives. For once in a long time, I am extremely content in my current life. I have a new Job and a comfortable living situation.  But the only thing I can sort of agree with them on is their views on love, but on a slim spectrum.

My friends are becoming mothers, arguing with their spouses about marriage, and bashing men all at the same time. I don’t like all that negativity so I’ve been hiding from everyone. Call me selfish but when you’re in a different space in your life, you sometimes can’t relate with others.

I don’t want to be a mother yet. Being a mother is a selfless position in life. Not that I can’t be selfless but right now, I am selfish. I am working on myself and my future so that I am able to give my children a different upbringing than what I’ve had. I want the moon, stars, planets, dammit the universe for my little ones! I dream about how great they’ll be. I pray for them now everyday. I work on myself now so I can provide the best for them. I want the best for them and if I do not work on me, I won’t be able to give to them.

I don’t want to be married, YET. I’ve always viewed marriage as the “MAN’s” decision (We all may differ, no judgement) but the other piece to that is, I haven’t quite met anyone that made me see the “white dress and bouquet”. I have been in love before and currently am, I’m just not seeing the wedding. Anyone I’ve dated, I’ve seen something futuristic with us but not as far as a wedding goes. Currently with the guy that I’ve been seeing, some days are happier than others, sometimes we get a bit frustrated with one another, he makes me feel secure, he makes me laugh, he’s sometimes awkwardly sweet, I melt when I still see his name pops up on my phone, there is no cold world when I’m with him, yes I’m in love with this guy. I’ve expressed that I do want to be married someday and he’s expressed the same. Dating him has taught me that I need to work on myself some more. I have short term and long term goals needing some major work  that has to be taken care of before thinking of “I do”. I’m not concentrated on marriage right now so that when I am trying on my white dress, I can be ready and selfless. Marriage is selfless. If you’re not in a selfless marriage, you aren’t supposed to be married at all.

I don’t bash men. We’ve all been hurt once or twice and if there is a third time, you pray that  there will not be a forth. Some men have loved us, some have used us, some have lied, some have cheated, some were just selfish, but what you allow is what happens to you. I am a firm believer in you already knew. You knew, he’s showing you signs, he’s saying things to you, you’re hearing and seeing everything but in that beautiful heart you have “hope”. I know “hope”. I’m currently ‘hoping” for more, for the “one”, for security, for me to not get hurt AGAIN. I have been there too. But not for once will I bash any man for what another man has done. Learn and move on. It won’t always be easy to do but it can be done. Learning is growth. Some of my friends are way too sour and won’t take accountability. This I can’t be around because I can not agree with their “he ain’t shit” method of thinking.

I just want my job to be stressless for as long as possible. I want my living situation to be comfortable enough so I can accommodate myself accordingly for my next move. I want my guy to be happy, even if its not with me. I’ll be happy because he is happy. Its just that simple, not black and white, a whole lot of gray, but all I want is HAPPY. 

So you got married….. and didn’t invite me

This is not the way that I wanted to express any post this month. I had it all figure out and stuff. Excited to post and BOOM!

  1. I got sick for two weeks
  2. Missed work and had an audit in a few days of returning
  3. And then I’ve been “spending quality time with my mister“, so I haven’t been home.

These shouldn’t but an excuse but I’ll publish those post later.

So I’m editing the life out of this post just to have it extremely detailed. Disclaimer : I’m bias! So I don’t care!

So my best friend and I happened to be discussing the plans for her upcoming wedding for 2015. From the colors, the venue, the official date, and the wedding party. While discussing the bridal party, she starts listing the woman that will be apart of her big day. As she starts, she’s absolutely sure her maid of honor is her, sister, up next is me, her cousin, and then she halted. She continues to express,

“I don’t know who else to choose as a bridesmaid because I feel that if you weren’t apart of the union you don’t need to be standing in my wedding”. 

I believe in it too but, tell me if I am wrong. I value all opinions here.

She continues and says a friend from high school. But let me clarify this for you, they met when she relocated and started school upstate. They were so close, it was as if they were best friends. ( SHADE thrown when someone else calls your best friend there’s). So as the years went on, both women grew up and found love! It’s a Beautiful thing. BUT somethings started to go left. My Bff’s friend starts to keep things to minimal about the relationship she was having with this man. It went from, I met him threw a friend to, we went on vacation to, I’m engaged! We were all like what? Where does he come from? Where he live at? You know his family? Do you feel like that this is your life partner?  Let the chips fall as they may, congratulations girl. Now it gets interesting. My Bff and her friend are conversing on the phone and she tells her that she’s getting married immediately and will have a bigger wedding next year. OKAY. My Bff gives her a simple suggestion of having a small beach wedding in Miami, where he was living  at the time, instead of thinking big. Her family immediate family can there, and so can his. But she tells her no and that they’ll be getting married at the justice of the peace! Cool! Congrats when that happens. A few weeks later, my Bff goes on instagram to browsing during free time, and finds out her friend got married the beach!!! Wait what?

Okay here goes the Bias,

Um, girl you wouldn’t even see my invitation. We could have never been friends that you really didn’t invite me to your wedding but on top of that, you didn’t tell me that you were at least getting married on this day of the year? WOW. But I have a similar situation, and just to simplify it, she got married in the church I introduced her to, where she reconnected with the man she married, and the friend that  I introduced to her was at the wedding and not I. We didn’t fight or anything, I was speaking to the girl and everything, but I wasn’t invited to the wedding.

So, a little help here, would you put this woman in your bridal party? (SHADE given)