So Let’s Talk

I had the best Saturday in a few weeks. We all need a little love sometimes and the energy of the day was well received. The day was full of laughter, old stories, and letting out the deep thoughts. From family, life, love, and all the in-betweens. Genuine friendships are good for that.
Originally, the plan was to stop by the jeweler, pick up some dinner, then buy some flowers, and head back home.

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Authenticity


There are days when I felt as if I was suffering with imposter syndrome. I mean my job makes me feel like this everyday. It’s as if to ask my clients “when will you all realize I’m hurting just like you?” But I’ve learned that I have to be the example they never had. So I put on my Sunday best, walk in with my head held high, listen and respond when asked to. For the sake of the children that need a better example, I’ll be an imposter.
August always has a way of reminding me of who the hell I really am. It’s my true authenticity. It’s who I am, and I won’t change it. Now to accept and acknowledge it. Beside the fact that my nails aren’t done and if it weren’t for these two interviews tomorrow, my hair wouldn’t be done, its obvious that I’ve been going through something. August has definitely reminded me of a few things, that I fail to accept about myself.
Vulnerability |
I would have never admitted that I cry in the shower when I am frustrated and overwhelmed just two years ago. I felt that it was weak of me since I’ve always been known to be strong. Well now that I let the cat out the bag, I’m sensitive about my shit. I cried in front of a man, beside my father, for the first time last year, and did it again this year, TWICE. Why? Because I couldn’t pretend anymore. When I’m sad, when my feelings are hurt, when I need a hug, when I need an escape, I cry. It’s apart of the transitional phase. I’m accepting it. In mutual conversation with friends, I’ll say “girl I cried myself to sleep”, while waiting for them to become frantic but they aren’t use this vulnerableness. I may not have a “person” to vent to, because energy does not need to be passed on, I’ll cry it out, internalize it, and say talk about it later. I’m proud of my vulnerability because it was once so hard to do.
Resilience |
When I’m stressed, my neck hurts or my body breaks out. Well last night, my neck was on fire and my body started to break out. The last time I experienced this type of breakout was maybe in 2013, it’s been awhile. But as I get older, the challenges are much different. I’m on at least two interviews per week since my company closed. Saving is a huge priority, so happy hour is not an option lately, lord knows I need a drink. I’ve been in some trying times over the last couple of years that allows me to think and move different. But during this time, my resilience is notable. Once I’ve reflected on some pass situation, I come to notice that I really get through it. So this too shall pass.
Timing |
This year has taught me all about timing. However, I’m struggling with coming to terms with timing. Timing is everything. Lately, I’ve been wishing that something’s would happening later instead of now. Change is hard to accept. However, current changes are necessary to time. It’s all apart of the process I guess.

Through it all, I must be honest, August of 2016 has been good to me, not as bad as I assumed it would be. Two more interviews tomorrow, what a way to start September! Wish me luck.

The Transitional Phase

This post has been in the works since August of 2015.
August has always been the month in every year that I’ve applied some crazy change to my life. Usually my career changes happen around August. However, in August of 2015, I was happy at work, but my commute was costing me $420 every month, and I had finally worked out to start taking classes towards my degree. But with $420 a month in travel expenses, rent, car insurance, other bills, barely able to buy food, and attempting at paying for school out of pocket seemed impossible. No way in hell was I going to ask my parents for help, my beau at the time hated that I never asked him for help and I wasn’t going to ask him either, and I had one last friend but I wasn’t sure when and how I’d pay her back. So instead I lost weight from the stress of figuring it out. Researched, applied for grants, and crossed my fingers and prayed. Low and behold it worked out with me not having to pay or borrow anything! Sweet Jesus! But at that moment, some thing else clicked. It was a beautiful Sunday, I think August 9th, shout out to my amazing memory, I happened to be on the phone with a friend whom I had not spoken to for years. We caught up on life while I was at work completing paperwork. The conversation was about many things but what stuck out to me the most was in that moment, the disappointment, confusion, and being in an unknown space, I was ready to close that chapter.
A conversation earlier in April made this all come together. I was in a very big transitional phase in my life. I’m an adult. I make my own choices. I make shit happen on my terms. I have needs. I have wants. I have issues. I have fears. But I’m growing and it’s because I have LIFE! A lot was happening at the time, and finally I understood what the conversation meant. So I thought this through. Here a few things I’m taking serious into my transitional phase going into YEAR 27:
Accepting that things happen with time
I believe in education. If there’s anything I want/need the most, it’s my degree. I work maybe twice as hard some days to prove to my superiors that I am worth the bullshit salary they pay me. The emotional and unwanted stress that I have from work is pure insanity. When I get home, all I want is a drink/ cup of tea, someone to give me lots of undivided attention, good food, great sex, and a comfortable bed to sleep in after it all. It’s something to look forward to after my day to day 9 to 5 shenanigans but needless to say I am not getting any of the above. I wasn’t able to graduate from College at the time I had worked towards due to financial issues. I’m actually a little content in realizing that at that time, I probably should’ve dropped out because mentally I was not in a place for school. I didn’t have much support and a lot happened with my family around that time. I view school differently now. My focus is different. Maybe, I was not supposed to finish at the time I planned to be done with school. I managed to work some things out and I am currently attending as mentioned before. I’m determined. I feel like this would make it all complete, but I know that things take time, and this is something that will need time.
Oh Love, 
As I think about Love, a song comes to mind, Bitty McClean – Walk away from love. This is clearly a matter of the heart. Regardless of the heartbreaks and not so successful chapters in my dating life, I’ll always yearn for love. It’s human nature. I desire to be loved the way I love. Love has been an adventure for me. I experienced my first real adult love. The type of love that you want to run from but you stay anyway. The type of love that doesn’t hurt but the situation does. The type of love that makes you wonder what the other is feeling, and understanding their position and how your position may affect their emotional well being. The type of love that makes you think about life with the person. When life actually becomes a discussion, and figuring out what is right or wrong pulls on heart strings. The heart wants what it wants. Love is an adventure that is undefined, and no one can define it, because only your perception is how it should be for you. But love is serious business. So are relationships. Having someone responsible for your heart is a big deal. When you know, you know. For now, take your time. I rather do my healing on my own and allow my God to guide me.
Communication is key
So about my poor communication skills. The problem is when I have to reiterate, or say anything at all, I feel like my head might explode. Although, this depends on the situation. So I keep things to myself. But when I can no longer keep things in, I say a whole lot, it’s all over the place, and I’m angered by the thought of what the hell I just did. I’ll then go into a shut down or say how I feel in a not so great tone. This shit needs to stop. I’m working on my tone. I use to scream my frustrations out but I learned earlier on that it doesn’t change anything and I don’t have the energy for that. As for shut down, I’m trying to learn how to get out of that. It’s not beneficial for friendships, relationships, and professionally. So now, I’m reading self help books, communication books, and listening to podcast to assist with finding other techniques to communicate effectively. I’m trying.
Expressing my standards, while giving chances
One particular situation last year made me realize that I can no longer have expectations. It’s a recipe for disaster. Instead express my standards. When you think of the term “Standards” sometimes people make it seem like some great list of BS but not for me. I view standards as not everything your okay with someone else will be pleased with. More so, this is what is it, you down or nah? So let me put you on, listening to Myleik Teele’s podcast, can’t remember what episode but I was taking notes. My taught me that things aren’t as black and white and there’s a lot of gray, it’s much easier to cut someone off but its harder for you to “allow people to grow into your standards”. I think a trait that I have is giving chances and being patient. I try to be sensitive to understanding that people learn on different terms. But I must continue to do this so that I don’t mess up any opportunities. I think I have an opportunity right in my face, but I’m trying to be patient in this process.

Today, I turn 27

I feel some sensitive lovey shit right now but, this is a scheduled post, so I’m in Jamaica right now, thanking GOD for his many blessings. I am RICH in family, friends, life, and LOVE. Staying positive. Because GOD is working something out for me. April has been good to me so far, hopefully he does give me what my HEART wants. But if not, I’m still good. 
These are just a few, but what I am sure of is that we are all works of art.

Have you experience a transitional phase?