There are days when I felt as if I was suffering with imposter syndrome. I mean my job makes me feel like this everyday. It’s as if to ask my clients “when will you all realize I’m hurting just like you?” But I’ve learned that I have to be the example they never had. So I put on my Sunday best, walk in with my head held high, listen and respond when asked to. For the sake of the children that need a better example, I’ll be an imposter.
August always has a way of reminding me of who the hell I really am. It’s my true authenticity. It’s who I am, and I won’t change it. Now to accept and acknowledge it. Beside the fact that my nails aren’t done and if it weren’t for these two interviews tomorrow, my hair wouldn’t be done, its obvious that I’ve been going through something. August has definitely reminded me of a few things, that I fail to accept about myself.
I would have never admitted that I cry in the shower when I am frustrated and overwhelmed just two years ago. I felt that it was weak of me since I’ve always been known to be strong. Well now that I let the cat out the bag, I’m sensitive about my shit. I cried in front of a man, beside my father, for the first time last year, and did it again this year, TWICE. Why? Because I couldn’t pretend anymore. When I’m sad, when my feelings are hurt, when I need a hug, when I need an escape, I cry. It’s apart of the transitional phase. I’m accepting it. In mutual conversation with friends, I’ll say “girl I cried myself to sleep”, while waiting for them to become frantic but they aren’t use this vulnerableness. I may not have a “person” to vent to, because energy does not need to be passed on, I’ll cry it out, internalize it, and say talk about it later. I’m proud of my vulnerability because it was once so hard to do.
When I’m stressed, my neck hurts or my body breaks out. Well last night, my neck was on fire and my body started to break out. The last time I experienced this type of breakout was maybe in 2013, it’s been awhile. But as I get older, the challenges are much different. I’m on at least two interviews per week since my company closed. Saving is a huge priority, so happy hour is not an option lately, lord knows I need a drink. I’ve been in some trying times over the last couple of years that allows me to think and move different. But during this time, my resilience is notable. Once I’ve reflected on some pass situation, I come to notice that I really get through it. So this too shall pass.
This year has taught me all about timing. However, I’m struggling with coming to terms with timing. Timing is everything. Lately, I’ve been wishing that something’s would happening later instead of now. Change is hard to accept. However, current changes are necessary to time. It’s all apart of the process I guess.
Through it all, I must be honest, August of 2016 has been good to me, not as bad as I assumed it would be. Two more interviews tomorrow, what a way to start September! Wish me luck.