I’m not sure what the universe is trying to tell me but boy am I uncomfortable. So I said let me write these thoughts down and come up with some theory along the way. So here we go..

First thought,

The body and mind are fighting between rest and discipline. The mister and I are on the baby making journey soon and I need to lose some weight before it happens. However, I just can’t seem to find a rhythm to start working out. My mind literally wake me up at 6 am but my body says “you’re not rested enough”. But everyday and every pound added, I’m spiraling. I play this game of guilt with myself every time I think of all the time that’s passed.

Second thought

I thought when I finished school that I’d just bounce back into a groove but this job, isn’t what I was sold when I started. I move way more that my body can manage whilst given the information about my inflamed spinal discs that have always been an issue but obviously more affected with weight, I’m limited. The movement wasn’t paced and as I know my body and previously healing body issues with weight loss, this jump has me a mess. But I need to start somewhere, and I’m trying to figure it out daily.

Third thought,

Oh my poor husband. I feel for him some days. He mostly works nights and I forcefully stay up until he leaves because he’ll wake me up in the process of getting himself ready for work. It affects me way more than I’m willing to admit to him for the sake up “complaining” and not having control of the situation. But the nights he leaves at 10 pm, I’m the most rested the next morning. Sometimes I get his things together so he can get dressed, grab and go, but lately I’m defeated.

Fourth thought;

I put myself out into the job applying world again. Although we have much bigger plans within the next year or so, I need a change now. As stated previously, the current job isn’t it. It’s not hard, it’s just not challenging enough for the emerging researcher in me. The field work is tiring. I desire a routine and a FIXED schedule (and I am okay with this). Y’all (as I type this) I’m in the field which means I’ll be home around 7/8 tonight because, I’m going to another borough via public transportation which depending on where you are in the city could be anywhere from 30 minutes-2 hours commute. Queen to the Bronx via public transit is a nightmare. Back to the applying process, I’m being very strategic about the roles I’m interested in. I have a second interview coming up and I’m praying I get this opportunity.

Last thought,

I’m a little under a month for #YEAR34 and I’m seeking a change or a win. I’ll be okay if I get one. My nerves are all over the place and I don’t know what the future holds. But I’m hoping I can make some room to let in whatever is for me.

Published by Amanda

She Came | She Saw | She Conqured

One thought on “Thoughts

  1. oof, I know all these feelings intimately: discomfort in your own body, needing a change professionally, juggling your partner’s odd work schedule, crappy commutes… it all ebbs and flows.

    have you tried a sleep mask and ear plugs? I’m a tummy/side sleeper, so the ear plugs weren’t a good fit for me, but I still use them from time to time when I need to block out the extra noise for whatever reason. and they make some really comfortable options now!


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