To this day, whenever I meet someone I want in my life, they instantly become part of me. He was just part of me and still is. It was June 8, 2006, he broke up with me in the hallway of our high school before my last class of the day. I remember holding in my tears until I got home that evening. He introduced me to grief. I spent about a year plus mourning our puppy love until my grandmother passed in 2007 which took it to another level. For years I thought to myself, I was only a teenager, but I was evolving into the woman I am now. Learning how to carry everything the world harms you with including grief.
A few Sundays ago, he stopped by, I turned on the football game and literally did my own thing while enjoying his presence. He’s good company, it’s been a while since I’ve had company so seeing my old friend brought me joy. Before he departed, we start talking about heartbreak and for the first time I realized he was hearing my side of the heartbreak. We didn’t talk about everything, but the main things. Laughing as I type this, I wanted our picture to be printed on copy paper and posted in his room, I wanted recognition, years later I still feel that in all the love that came after him – yes, the woman I’m evolving into. In a short conversation about grief I realized that eventually I’ll stop associating the hurt and pain and turn it into who I am, how I choose to grieve, mourn, learn, unlearn, and most importantly love. He reminded me that it takes years to recover and forgive.
The following day, I received a message that I read in his perfected New York accented vernacular, “Just wanted to tell you that I appreciate you as a person. I love you. Our past could have been better, absolutely, but it happened like that for a reason. Years later and we’re still in each other’s lives. You should’ve been dubbed me, but you didn’t and I’m grateful… Bonds like this should never be taken for granted. Universe forbid anything bad happen to me, you know how I feel directly from my mouth, no guesses. Love you, your puddin pop”
I appreciate having the moment to say “I love you” because in our current world, these moments are scarce or stolen by violence, pride, trauma, ignorance, etc. I find peace in confirming a process that seemed misunderstood. It’s less about lost and more about understanding the experience that defines you.
Xx, She conqured