To this day, whenever I meet someone I want in my life, they instantly become part of me. He was just part of me and still is. It was June 8, 2006, he broke up with me in the hallway of our high school before my last class of the day. I remember holding in my tears until I got home that evening. He introduced me to grief. I spent about a year plus mourning our puppy love until my grandmother passed in 2007 which took it to another level. For years I thought to myself, I was only a teenager, but I was evolving into the woman I am now. Learning how to carry everything the world harms you with including grief.
A few Sundays ago, he stopped by, I turned on the football game and literally did my own thing while enjoying his presence. He’s good company, it’s been a while since I’ve had company so seeing my old friend brought me joy. Before he departed, we start talking about heartbreak and for the first time I realized he was hearing my side of the heartbreak. We didn’t talk about everything, but the main things. Laughing as I type this, I wanted our picture to be printed on copy paper and posted in his room, I wanted recognition, years later I still feel that in all the love that came after him – yes, the woman I’m evolving into. In a short conversation about grief I realized that eventually I’ll stop associating the hurt and pain and turn it into who I am, how I choose to grieve, mourn, learn, unlearn, and most importantly love. He reminded me that it takes years to recover and forgive.
The following day, I received a message that I read in his perfected New York accented vernacular, “Just wanted to tell you that I appreciate you as a person. I love you. Our past could have been better, absolutely, but it happened like that for a reason. Years later and we’re still in each other’s lives. You should’ve been dubbed me, but you didn’t and I’m grateful… Bonds like this should never be taken for granted. Universe forbid anything bad happen to me, you know how I feel directly from my mouth, no guesses. Love you, your puddin pop”
I appreciate having the moment to say “I love you” because in our current world, these moments are scarce or stolen by violence, pride, trauma, ignorance, etc. I find peace in confirming a process that seemed misunderstood. It’s less about lost and more about understanding the experience that defines you.
Xx, She conqured
6 thoughts on “A Reminder: Grief”
It’s good that you two got to talk about these things because not many people do. And to be honest, that’s growth. It takes a level of maturity and growth to be able to talk about heartbreak, face to face, with the person who caused it. I really like the fact that he was receptive of your feelings and thoughts. That, too, demonstrates growth. Your bond may only get better from there. I find that after being transparent and vulnerable with people, friendships/relationships positively grow.
There’s only one ex that I do not speak to “yet” but I think thats for years from now, the pain is way too great for both of us. I can’t hold on to it forever. I realized long ago that the people who enter my life shape me, and if I can (if they allow it), I want them in my world.
I wish I had this type of closure with my ex’s and I would like to think that my perspective of dating and relationships would be different but instead, I never got that chance and kept in a lot of built-up emotions and anger that ruined really good relationships/friendships with people (just the men).
Niya lol, I have a good relationship with him now but I remember we were about to turn up. I just realized long ago that it doesn’t make sense after so many years. I have one ex that I’m not friends with “yet”. I do not think we’re able to be friends now but one day, many yearsssss from now, we will be. However, all of them have given me something and helped me grow. I guess I’m selfish for wanting them in my world.
I feel like I’m only this way with the women in my life. When it comes to the opposite sex and dating while growing up, when it was over, it was over and I closed each door, window and blinds without looking back every single time. I’m settled/married now, so everything is as it’s meant to be but sometimes, looking back, I wonder if I was a bit ‘cold’ or ‘non-gracious’ to my exs in those moments of transition/growing pains. With that said, I really admire your openness to the growth and evolution of each relationship in your life Amanda. xo
We can all appreciate the growth that comes with maturity. I welcome being able to have difficult conversations with people that I’ve wronged or who have hurt me.
Grief definitely takes time. Some we get over and heal from, others we don’t. For me, I’m terrible with expressing my feelings and tend to let things go unresolved.