Hysteria

I’ve been writing this for over a week now. In my attempt, I decided that I needed to be in normalcy to do so. I woke up around 7:30 this morning, moved all the clothes off my couch to its respectful places, started the kettle, put jackets that hung on my bar stools in the coat closet, and snapped a few photos as a reminder that my house is usually in order.

I wish I could live more in the moment. It would save me from all the frustration that I experience when I’m overthinking. My anxiety is through the roof these days, I intentionally stayed in the house (for the exception of Ikea last weekend), I need to go to the gym but that means I’d have to leave my house, vent sessions don’t really help much because there’s minimal solving that can be done by fussing, so I guess it’s best to write this out.

Okay, updates:

Work

I started this post sitting on a bench during my lunch break in downtown Brooklyn last week Wednesday. I’m surrounded by gentrification and can’t help but wonder where the hell life will end up taking me if I don’t do something drastically feasible now. I read somewhere that people will change careers 5-7 times in their life. I’m approaching my 10th year in social services, in two different fields, and I’m over it. I truly have an innate desire to help people but man that field doesn’t pay. As inflation sky rockets through the roof and rent rates keep climbing, I’m ready to risk it all, jump into a new career, and hope that it will last me another 10 years.  I’ve been running in circles around my next move, but I’m scared out of my mind. Support is important and I’m doing this with minimal (I just took a deep sigh as I read this). Add insult to injury, let’s chat about AGEISM! If you work in municipal or federal agencies, I’m sure you can speak to this. That paternal shit that happens in those places, oh man, lord save me. That’s all I got; I finally worked my emotions out around that.

The “Move”

I’ve been tip-toeing with everyone including this space about it because it’s scary. I’m slightly secure now and I just don’t want to relive my late twenties or 2016 ever again. I could use more money here in New York, but I’m alive. I can pay this rent, buy grocery, and afford happy hour/dinner twice a month. My lights have never been off nor my cellphone, I haven’t paid an overdraft few in over 7 years, my credit is growing despite some loan that is now my responsibility (this caused another deep sigh). Back to this move, I’ll share more soon.

Growth & Unlearning

I’m having a hard time with unlearning in this chapter of my life. Especially with relationships and forgiveness because I believe that part of unlearning is forgiving. For some reason I cannot let go of how I felt. This causes so much back fire while attempting to give into growth. The conflict is that I believe in allowing people the space to grow but even in that, I am searching for someone to see the pain that I’m trying to grow through as well. It’s weird because it’s a selfish ask and you can’t unlearn while doing this and it’s causing me a shit ton of hysteria including my work woes. Also in growth & unlearning, you have to be okay if you never get to express that pain, but I’m at a crossroads with that. I did say I’m growing. Maybe I’ll speak more on that when I can make sense of where I am.

Enough about me, Happy Fall!