Amanda

Not ready

Somewhere after my 27^th birthday, I started thinking about dating again. A few potential opportunities were in close distance to the idea. So somewhere between the thoughts and what I thought could happen, I was finding some motivation to step out into the dating world again.

Wrong.

First, it started with a friend, that completely disappointed me, and then today made it clear as day, that I need to not date at all. I’m not ready.

Over the weekend, I was bored, started a profile on a dating site, and started searching. Before you frown about online dating, I definitely found “success/happiness” from online dating. But I’ll leave that right there.

A few messages later, I get a number.

Handsome, career driven, respectful man. But based on our conversation I knew something was up. A few messages in, he states that he needs a therapist. Oh boy. I work with enough mental health daily; I don’t need another one. He was hesitant at first, but lets it out.

To sum it up, he’s in love with the “love of his life”, they parted due to a very crucial decision about children, she’s so pissed she moved out, and he feels like he’s dying everyday without her. I know, WTF. There’s more to the story but this sums up the climax of it all.

It was refreshing to listen to a man pour his heart out so openly, but he made me realize I am not ready. Parts of me still need healing. I realized during our conversation that I am really hurt and I have a lot of healing to do before I get involved with someone else. I mean, I knew this for sometime, but sometimes the unexpected leads you to clarity.

On another note, I’m rooting for my new friend and his spouse to make it work, he truly loves her and from the sound of things, she seems like she’s not as done with him as it seems.

I can’t make this shit up.

Currently: Sunday

Last week I finished spring semester. After my last final, I couldn’t resist the urge to run. Usually I’ll jog in the morning, but it was after 8:00 pm and I needed to run. Headphones, joggers, Lemonade, and I took off. After that jog, I think it was the best sleep I had in weeks. After that jog and reading a few blogs later on in the week, I started feeling the motivation again. Its the only thing that clears the mind for me, besides prayer. Lately, a lot has been on the mind, and I’ve been trying to come to terms with all of it, so the best way to assist was jog.

Today, I decided to do something familiar yet unfamiliar to get out of my comfort zone, so I went jogging by the West Side of Manhattan. I use to work on the Upper West Side and during my commute I would always enjoy the beautiful scenery. I got ready, made a cup of tea, jumped in my car, turn on some slow jams, and drove to the West Side.

I started my jog right off of Riverside Drive and West 158th Street. In the photos above, you catch a view of the George Washington Bridge, You over look New Jersey ( I think the area they call West New York), and the last photo not a great one but a view of the New York City skyline.

I jogged to RiverBank Park on West 145th street. Which is another quarter mile to actually get into the park, and the photos below were taken when I was in the park. I didn’t know Sofrito’s restaurant was actually in the park, the last time I went to an event at this place it wasn’t Sofrito’s. But now that I know, I have another place to go. The other photos are of the George Washington Bridge and New Jersey from the park. These photos don’t do it justice. It’s a gorgeous view.

Right before I ended up at Panera Bread for breakfast, I picked up some flowers from my favorite spot on the Upper West Side, said hello to my old co-workers, and headed to HomeGoods to buy a vase. It was a day well spent.

It’s another beginning to a new week, I have spent enough money over the weekend treating myself to dinner and buying small things. I’m praying that this upcoming week is smooth. Last week was much better than the one before, so I’m praying for the best. If my body permits, I’ll get up and do a quick jog in the morning. Not sure if it will because I have been waking up at 3-3:30 AM every morning for the last month. I just want to sleep. I’m feeling a bit drained at the moment. So we’ll see.

How was you weekend?

About last week,

Maybe it was the gloomy/rainy weather that lasted the entire week. Or maybe it started on Saturday night after having another heart breaking conversation that never fails to bring me to tears. Or maybe it was the stress I was feeling about finals week. Or maybe it was just a bad week.

Sunday | I laid in bed for majority of the day because I was numb. I didn’t want to move. Didn’t have much to say. Play backs of all the things that once made you happy, that now make you regret, but begging yourself to forget. But it doesn’t quite happen that way. The mind.

Monday | The teenager who’s been missing from my facility for over a month decided to return. With terrible news. So for a few hours, I had to make her aware that I am here to help. Which added on a shit load of paperwork and contacting the city to provide all updates. How fun and time consuming.

Tuesday | My printer at work decided that it wanted to stop working. Completely throws me off because work has become a major distraction from my thoughts. But instead, I’m forced to sit in my office and think. Scroll through blogs and think.

Wednesday | I almost get arrested on my way to work. Yup, I’ll leave this right here.

Thursday | I reach my limit. I have a complete emotional breakdown as I was driving home from work. Cried like a baby in my car.

Friday | No printer. The day seemed like it wanted to take forever to get to 5:00 PM. All I wanted was to take myself home. Finally get home and attempt to sleep at 6:30 PM. GOD, didn’t want me to do such a thing. So I was up at 2:00 AM praying.

Saturday | Worked out, because its been such a long time. Took one final, decent grade. Went to celebrate new life with a friend at her baby shower, and went home to pray, so I could sleep.

Simple week, yet the emotions of the week had me on the edge. I’m only sharing this because I had to think about my week and the things I’ve learned through the emotions. I hate having feelings. That shit gets me in trouble. However, its my nature, so its okay. My emotional break down was more about how am I able to be so together for everyone else when deep down I’m in crisis. It was as if, every day, I was a therapist. My colleague shared with me that the death of her first child haunts her, and I’m offering advice as if I’m a parent, but all I wanted to do was hug her and cry. But the professional in me knew better. So instead, I prayed for her through eyes full of tears in my car that night. I sometimes wonder why I am placed in these positions. But sometimes we are here to help some else get better, teach them the ropes, show them that love exist, and so on.

This week so far has been good to me, I’ve conquered yet another one.