Amanda

End of an Era : Non- Profit

Most people leave work at exactly 5:00 pm or scheduled time on their last day of work but today I choose to stay a few more hours. Just in case there were anymore goodbye’s and I’ll miss you’s.

I cleaned my desk, left my keys, and left at approximately 7:45 pm. Now that I am taking mass transit, the weather feels different when you’re not driving. In route to train, I became emotional.

In that moment I felt fear, happiness, sadness, and relief.

Fear of the new position that I will be starting in January because it’s just different.

Happiness because I am on the path that I’ve worked extremely hard to get to.

Sad because I made connections with the families and I had also changed lives. I will be changes lives again by leaving and a huge part of me wishes I didn’t have to, but I do.

Relief from all the stressors involving the uncertainty of the company. I’m free.

I’m currently in my apartment dreading that I’ll have to pack and move again on Monday because GOD just placed a new housing opportunity in my hands that I needed! Y’all don’t even know the joy that is in my heart. Back to the city I go!

Cheers to the tears.

In 365 days

I woke up feeling sad this morning. Laid in bed for an extra hour just thinking. Trying to figure out where my feelings were coming from. In that moment, I thought of a few things that may possibly be triggering, but realized that I am more mad than sad about them. I got dressed, made my usual cup of tea, checked the weather, and stopped in the middle of my room and said to myself out loud “I need to figure out how to get out of this, whatever I am feeling I just have to make sure it’s not true”.

Put my headphones on, opened my sound cloud app, sat on the bus (my car is for another day); I thanked and smiled at the bus driver as I exited. It still feels airy.

My cousin has a way of reaching out to me when I’m feeling some type of way, it’s like she knows. She sends me some YouTube inspiration to watch and I sign in. Scrolling through my subscriptions, I noticed one of my favorites returned to YouTube after a year. If you watched his stuff before, you know he’s a mood changer, and will bring your spirits to life, but this last video is different.

Depression is real. Sickness is real. Death is real. Life is real.

It seems as if 2016 has been one of those years for many. As the New Year starts, things are becoming better, but there are something’s that I am still fighting to get through. Do not judge a book by its cover. Learn to meet people where they are. Accept people for who they are. Do not assume. Ask question. Practice patience. Forgive others. Forgive yourself. Be vulnerable if you have to. Let your guard down. Ask for help. Pray.

We are all just going through some shit, be empathetic.

Choosing Not to Break a Heart

If you check the notes in my phone, my word document folder, and my notebook that I walk around with to document things/thoughts, I’ve started this post so many times. Tonight, I finally feel like posting it.

It’s 11:57 pm, and my thoughts are running wild. There’s irony to this date but I’ll leave that where it once lived.

2016 has taken me into the storm. Back in April, I posted about my transitional year and what I foreseen. Looking back, I didn’t anticipate all the shit that followed. One word, resilient.

One of the major lesson and decision I learned this year was choosing not to break a heart.

This blog is strictly personal. No make up, no photography, no fashion, no fitness, no marketing, it’s just personal. Being open and personal, with a couple of sentences and lots of deleting, I’m trying to heal from one of the hardest breakups of my adult life. So, dating is absolutely different now. Rightfully, you should take as much time as you need to heal, but this situation came unexpected. I’m naïve so I didn’t know the guy was interested, but I spoke to him anyway because you can always have friends, I guess.

Bypass the details and to the point, rebounds are not fun, lies are not amusing, confusion feels like insanity, lust is dangerous, intimacy is poison, emotions are real, and feelings can be temporary. No one deserves the chaos. When it’s not right, you know, avoid the antics and be straight forward.

Fall afternoon and I made reservations at an authentic Italian restaurant on the Upper Westside of Manhattan, followed by a walk to central park, a classic New York cup of tea for me and coffee for him, we sat by the lake and watched the ducks. I turn to him and ask him if he wants more from me, he said he would love to give us a shot, and I automatically interject to tell him; I’m still in love with someone else and it hurts because there’s so much unknown but I’m healing in the process. I have a lot of big changes coming into fruition that won’t allow me to satisfy your desires. Do I enjoy the dates? Yes. Do I enjoy the company? Yes. But to give you more, I just cannot do that right now.

This is the choosing not to break a heart thing I was talking about. Broken hearts can be avoided with honesty. Disappointment is natural in the process but I’d rather that then the broken heart, because lord knows I’m hurting. But I just cannot do what someone chose to do to me. So I decided to be honest and pass up on the opportunity to have my vulnerability exposed and my aches soothed with a warm touch all while icing bruises.