If you check the notes in my phone, my word document folder, and my notebook that I walk around with to document things/thoughts, I’ve started this post so many times. Tonight, I finally feel like posting it.
It’s 11:57 pm, and my thoughts are running wild. There’s irony to this date but I’ll leave that where it once lived.
2016 has taken me into the storm. Back in April, I posted about my transitional year and what I foreseen. Looking back, I didn’t anticipate all the shit that followed. One word, resilient.
One of the major lesson and decision I learned this year was choosing not to break a heart.
This blog is strictly personal. No make up, no photography, no fashion, no fitness, no marketing, it’s just personal. Being open and personal, with a couple of sentences and lots of deleting, I’m trying to heal from one of the hardest breakups of my adult life. So, dating is absolutely different now. Rightfully, you should take as much time as you need to heal, but this situation came unexpected. I’m naïve so I didn’t know the guy was interested, but I spoke to him anyway because you can always have friends, I guess.
Bypass the details and to the point, rebounds are not fun, lies are not amusing, confusion feels like insanity, lust is dangerous, intimacy is poison, emotions are real, and feelings can be temporary. No one deserves the chaos. When it’s not right, you know, avoid the antics and be straight forward.
Fall afternoon and I made reservations at an authentic Italian restaurant on the Upper Westside of Manhattan, followed by a walk to central park, a classic New York cup of tea for me and coffee for him, we sat by the lake and watched the ducks. I turn to him and ask him if he wants more from me, he said he would love to give us a shot, and I automatically interject to tell him; I’m still in love with someone else and it hurts because there’s so much unknown but I’m healing in the process. I have a lot of big changes coming into fruition that won’t allow me to satisfy your desires. Do I enjoy the dates? Yes. Do I enjoy the company? Yes. But to give you more, I just cannot do that right now.
This is the choosing not to break a heart thing I was talking about. Broken hearts can be avoided with honesty. Disappointment is natural in the process but I’d rather that then the broken heart, because lord knows I’m hurting. But I just cannot do what someone chose to do to me. So I decided to be honest and pass up on the opportunity to have my vulnerability exposed and my aches soothed with a warm touch all while icing bruises.