Yeah, that stage

I once believed that I had an unhealthy love for YouTube families and the bridal bliss column on essence.com. I used to joke and tell friends & family that I didn’t  see myself getting married or having children; Although, I still feel a sense of panic when I’m watching weddings or labor & delivery videos, sometimes I wonder if it’s my desire to give the life I want to lived or just to say I’m finally living the life I’ve dreamt of, or maybe I just want it all with you[him].

Avoiding the thing that aches the most during this time of isolation is my thoughts. I wake up in wonder, I speak about memories that I once feared to share, I go to sleep anxious knowing I’d hear his voice in my dreams. I finally believed. I finally got comfortable. I finally knew this was happening. We were an Us. But I’m finally in the officially missing you stage of a break-up.

The last full moon aka Flower moon (how fitting – I love flowers) was telling me to let go of something, followed by dreams of tornadoes and all kinds of mess. My week hasn’t been short of moody, and I’m fighting the urge of calling to say “please come back home”, but I’m learning that I can’t make homes out of people. I can’t call, it’s not about pride, it’s about rejection. I just can’t take that kinda hurt anymore.

My theme song is SiR – You can’t save me.  The truth is, maybe if this were another time. Fighting a battle that just can’t be won. Reflecting about all the years and how each and every minute spent is why I’ve grown to be the woman I am today. Bittersweet, more sweet.

Today I planned to pick up 33 balloons, cook a steak, find a slice of chocolate cake, and wish blessings to another year around the sun. I’ll still honor you here, it wouldn’t be right if I pretended not to care.

patiently trying to overcome because heartbreak can’t be conquered …