This wasn’t easy to write.
I’ve went from my computer to sitting up in bed figuring out the words to place in this post.
All this comes from my extremely frustrating start of August. Every year and it’s never changed. August has always been good for my re-evaluation phase.
Just a few hours ago, while finally figuring out how to adjust my IKEA chair that I had just purchased and assembled, talking on the phone with my best friend, I noticed I was in silence.
Here I am, with company via telephone, but I couldn’t help but notice the silence that surrounded me. Even though, the person on the line understood my current dilemma, my silence stood out way more than the conversation on the phone.
Difficult to discuss but brave enough to finally let go, I’ve been living independently on my own by force since February. Being that I couldn’t agree to the terms of my mothers demands I left because I knew something about myself she couldn’t quite understand, I know my rights and wrongs because I live them. Since than, it’s been extremely rough. With no shame, I gave my last $20 last week to my friend with a child instead of feeding myself, because that’s who I am. I’ll figure it out. I always have.
Days go by and I’m faced with trial and error, how to decipher between choice and decision, and battling my emotions. Through all of this, I’m running from my need for support. It’s not that I don’t have it, I urge for this level of support from one person. A companion.
My eyes are open. I’m planning and I’d like to start planning life and this is what I seek currently. My lack of dating, my current “friendship”, the other guy who sees this great life with me while he vents to me about his girlfriend, isn’t making this possible. However, I am okay with that. I’ve taken a bigger initiative to ensuring that my short term and long term goals happen. Said in another post, you have to be selfless in a marriage, and currently I’m not pressed for that.
As I grow, I need to accept the things I can not control, trust God and his plan, and allow things to work themselves out. Trust my choices, and learn to understand my decisions.
Life wasn’t meant to be easy.