Melanin

There’s this guy that I love. His nose was the first thing I noticed when we met. Nothing distinctive about it but how it fit his round face perfectly while matching the formation of his lips. I watched him eat a bacon cheese burger on our first date. I stared at his mouth move as he laughed in between chews and conversation. His voice deep as baritone and his words articulate. He was quite the gentlemen that day.
I never guessed that he’d call me that night. It’s almost two years now since we’ve met. A lot of growth and learning. Didn’t know that I would love him. I love him so much that I thought of children with him. Birthing a sweet baby boy that would have his big toe and we’d call him junior for short since it’s only right to name him after him.
But this man that I love, has skin of pure melanin. I’m amazed at how beautiful he looks in the morning as the sun kisses his skin when it beams through the windows. I think about if God wanted us to parent a child together and that our child will have his skin, or skin as dark as mine.
It’s the scariest thought. I find myself praying for the man that I love more than I pray for myself. He’s not safe and neither is my son.
God gave me a uterus that one day, with his help, bare a child that shall be black like me. I am reminded everyday that I am “different” since I entered this world. This isn’t about magic or who’s lives matter. This is about my perspective and as I stare at my black skin, it’s a reminder of how scary it is to be black.
How will I teach my sweet baby boy about this world and the racism that he’ll endure?
How will I teach my sweet baby boy that the system is made to be against us?
How will I teach my sweet baby boy that safety isn’t always adherence?
How will I teach my sweet baby boy about injustice if he has to see his father’s death on a computer or phone screen?
How will I teach my son to be a man if they take his father away from him?
More importantly, how do I teach my daughter that it’s okay to birth a son if she watched her father’s murder?

Usually I limit my conversation on these topics but I love a man with a whole lot of melanin. My highly melanin skin comes from the first man I’ve ever loved that also fathers two men with highly pigmented skin. Something has to be done and very soon.
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July

June wasn’t bad but it wasn’t good either as discussed in my last post. My current agency is shutting down and there is no official date. So I have to be proactive and get out of there immediately. So my search continues into July.

I’m late on a July post. Well my July has started as an emotional one. I may discuss it later. But for right now, if I seem distant, know that I’m trying to get through this change. Nothing more or less.
I need to refocus on my aspirations in this month. The time is now because things are about to become really hectic depending upon tomorrow. I am about to make a huge change that I’ll talk about in a few days. Crosses fingers.
Weight Loss |
I felt the need to stretch my legs yesterday and decided to put on my headphone, grab my arm band, and start my Nike training app. Looking at my stats, I realized that I had not ran in exactly a month. Shame on me. The level of stress that was taking place in June, I should’ve been running more often. But Its July, the weather is warmer, and I prefer it, so not running isn’t an option. Aside from running, I need to start eating cleaner. I really need to condition myself to eat food. I am content in cereal and tea. I’ll be honest, that shit helped me lose a lot of weight last year. But I can clearly do better.
Finances |
He is my blessing in disguise, and without him I would’ve been crying a river within the next few hours. I ran into some moving violation troubles back in May. Dust it off, as if I could win this case by myself but I did not do my research. Lucky for me, a birthday card and some clarity, allowed us to speak again. Just last week while we were hanging out, during conversation he informed me of how big my troubles would be, and now I just used some of my savings to pay a lawyer. A few post back, I discussed the need for savings. Many American’s don’t have emergency savings. Something told me to get my shit together because it saved my ass. Now I am crying broke until I can rebuild my savings to a comfortable amount.
Growth and Patience |
I read through my blog and noticed that I am not as positive in some of my previous post. Which is not a problem at all. I love that I am as honest as I can be. Being human should be genuine. My twenties are nothing but adult issues that I’m clearly not prepared for. Even the things that I would like to change, I don’t think I would. But I say think loosely. Step by step, brick by brick, I am learning to accept it all. I think about all the positivity I do see but I cannot help but wonder what the negatives were. I want to know the deep, dark, scary parts of growth. Tell me your story. On days when it seems like I am stuck, I reflect on some of the scary parts, and realize that I must be patient with my growth. Anyone that isn’t patient with your growth, needs not to be in your story. I try to practice patience with others and their growth so I can better understand them. Growth is trivial to learning and understanding.

Wish me luck tomorrow, I’ll be in court. What do you have planned for July?

You’re Confident



June hasn’t been the worst but it has been a month full of progression and understanding. Something’s acceptable, others I’m more pessimistic about. Change isn’t easy to adjust to, but it’s necessary.

This month I took a big leap. Applying for career opportunities, in other states and in other fields. What time is better than now? I had to re-evaluate my life and what is missing. If I were to think that life should be planned the way I once assumed, a lot would be missing. But I have nothing to lose but familiarity at this point in my life.

I love my family but I can separate for awhile. Gives them the opportunity to miss me. I have no children, no property, no major responsibility. My mother helped me with this. She made me realize this last February. Not under the unfortunate circumstances but I’m grateful.

Moving has always been on my agenda. But I get all scary and chicken out. But I must enter this mission and be prepared for what is to come. All long as I am confident, things will surely work themselves out.

There’s no better time than now! I want to get up and go get it! Shoutout to June for making me more confident!