Category: Life

Change is hard to accept

For the past couple of weeks I’ve been feeling rather down. I’ve recently got to a place in my life where I feel like things are coming together but afraid that something will fall apart. 

I have moments when I am completely pessimistic and moments when I am optimistic. 
Lately I’ve just been pessimistic. I have a few worries but nothing that I can not control. These unbreakable feelings currently makes me question everything. 
I could blame all my mind madness currently happening on my planning. 
Life is happening.
School is happening.
Career is happening.
Change is happening.
Financial independence is happening. 

All these things are happening amongst the other daily issues in life.

But I’m building my brand, and I’m more dedicated to more than ever before. Its time to start over and accept all the change that comes along with it.

All I want is HAPPY

Lately I’ve been ignoring my friends. I don’t want to seem mean but I can’t deal with all the madness in their lives. For once in a long time, I am extremely content in my current life. I have a new Job and a comfortable living situation.  But the only thing I can sort of agree with them on is their views on love, but on a slim spectrum.

My friends are becoming mothers, arguing with their spouses about marriage, and bashing men all at the same time. I don’t like all that negativity so I’ve been hiding from everyone. Call me selfish but when you’re in a different space in your life, you sometimes can’t relate with others.

I don’t want to be a mother yet. Being a mother is a selfless position in life. Not that I can’t be selfless but right now, I am selfish. I am working on myself and my future so that I am able to give my children a different upbringing than what I’ve had. I want the moon, stars, planets, dammit the universe for my little ones! I dream about how great they’ll be. I pray for them now everyday. I work on myself now so I can provide the best for them. I want the best for them and if I do not work on me, I won’t be able to give to them.

I don’t want to be married, YET. I’ve always viewed marriage as the “MAN’s” decision (We all may differ, no judgement) but the other piece to that is, I haven’t quite met anyone that made me see the “white dress and bouquet”. I have been in love before and currently am, I’m just not seeing the wedding. Anyone I’ve dated, I’ve seen something futuristic with us but not as far as a wedding goes. Currently with the guy that I’ve been seeing, some days are happier than others, sometimes we get a bit frustrated with one another, he makes me feel secure, he makes me laugh, he’s sometimes awkwardly sweet, I melt when I still see his name pops up on my phone, there is no cold world when I’m with him, yes I’m in love with this guy. I’ve expressed that I do want to be married someday and he’s expressed the same. Dating him has taught me that I need to work on myself some more. I have short term and long term goals needing some major work  that has to be taken care of before thinking of “I do”. I’m not concentrated on marriage right now so that when I am trying on my white dress, I can be ready and selfless. Marriage is selfless. If you’re not in a selfless marriage, you aren’t supposed to be married at all.


I don’t bash men. We’ve all been hurt once or twice and if there is a third time, you pray that  there will not be a forth. Some men have loved us, some have used us, some have lied, some have cheated, some were just selfish, but what you allow is what happens to you. I am a firm believer in you already knew. You knew, he’s showing you signs, he’s saying things to you, you’re hearing and seeing everything but in that beautiful heart you have “hope”. I know “hope”. I’m currently ‘hoping” for more, for the “one”, for security, for me to not get hurt AGAIN. I have been there too. But not for once will I bash any man for what another man has done. Learn and move on. It won’t always be easy to do but it can be done. Learning is growth. Some of my friends are way too sour and won’t take accountability. This I can’t be around because I can not agree with their “he ain’t shit” method of thinking.


I just want my job to be stressless for as long as possible. I want my living situation to be comfortable enough so I can accommodate myself accordingly for my next move. I want my guy to be happy, even if its not with me. I’ll be happy because he is happy. Its just that simple, not black and white, a whole lot of gray, but all I want is HAPPY. 

NEVER question GOD

It’s been two months and some days since I left home due to issues between my mother and I. Some things I understand, other misunderstandings are better left where they are, resolved through silence. I believe that I have grown in so many ways that it scares me that I have the bravery that I once didn’t. Just a few years ago I would’ve told my mother she was crazy, let her talk to me crazy, and went back into the bed like nothing happened. Instead, I packed my things, said nothing, moved all my things into storage, and really had no where to go. 
The first night I stayed in Brooklyn with my boyfriend. The last place I wanted to be, due to my overly independent ways, but the only person I knew I was safe with. I said a little about what happened, he gave me his shirt, boxers, and his arms to sleep in that night. Deep down, I wanted to scream, cry, question God, and still find some understanding. I just didn’t know what was happening, why it was happening, and if it should be happening.
The next morning, I got dressed, kissed my mister, and went to work. Not sure of where I would be sleeping that night but I could only think of one other person beside my boyfriend through this chaos. My favorite cousin. Seen him on the street where I knew I’d find him, asked him if he knew of anyone renting. He said “bring your things, here is soap, food, and a place to sleep. You’ll be alright with me.” Since that day, I’ve been alright. 
My emotions were on high! It caused friction in my relationship, complete misunderstandings, I  almost made a few temporary emotional decisions, but in it all, there was still the truth. Being critiqued at that moment wasn’t easy.  You can’t view your own exterior. So hearing about how I displayed my emotions and how I reacted to my stress wasn’t fair to the people around me. I had to learn to control what I can’t, take accountability, and pray.

“NEVER question GOD” 

Towards the end of March, mister and I went to California. Although that caused a lot of friction, it helped me grow. I learned to take risk, be more open with my thoughts, don’t take things personally at work, and what negativity is in your universe to LET IT GO. 
God heard my prayers, I just accepted a new position, I’ve found a place to live comfortably, and  I’ve made it to year 26. 
#TeamAries
Sometimes, our darkest moments shows us the brightest light. New starts call for new opportunity. I’ve been given a clean slate again. I’m focused on my career goals, and finishing school. That conquest will not be an easy one but I’m not afraid of a challenge. 
With Prayer, 2015 will be good to me.

She’ll Conquer!