Category: Life

Time Caught up with Us

Its 8:38 PM, my eyes are burning and I want to be cuddled as I sleep tonight. But unfortunately, my cuddle buddy is at work -_- . The distance from my house to his, well I want to be selfish but not tonight.
Today I said Good Bye to a friend. We cut class in high school, ate at McDonald’s when the spicy McChicken was only a $1, and we shared some fun moments.
Time caught up with us.
We separated because we became adults. She became a mother a few years later than a wife. I, continued my education and still pursing my career.
Time caught up with us.
I didn’t know she was sick. I didn’t know. I felt like I could’ve reached out. A few hello’s would’ve made the difference.
God called her home on September 5th of 2015.
Today as the pastor finished his sermon and gave his blessings, her son screamed out in pain, eyes filled with tears, he knew his mother was gone.
Time caught up with us.
I’m sorry I didn’t say Hello enough, and I wish that you knew that I would support you through this journey, you’re pain free. Your children are in my prayers.

To my dear friend, Time will allow me to see you again.

He has feelings too

(He’s the Gray)
I thought that I was trying to overcome an emotional battle with love mentally until an old friend called me over the weekend. 
Skipping through memory lane, this old friend, I crushed on. Loved him up actually. I was 10 when I met him. I thought he was a dork. He was a nerd. He wore big glasses and liked weird stuff. He wasn’t the average boy from the neighborhood. Now that I think about it, I guess because he was doing everything to impress me.
Wasn’t the best looking, but I was so excited when he asked me to be his girlfriend. You could see the blush through my highly melanin skin!
During our puppy love, he was being a fast little boy. Talking to everything walking. Thought he almost broke my little heart. But I never experience anything greatly negative with him. I was 13 years old, what the hell did I know? He was my first boyfriend. My first kiss. My first good bye.
He was literally the boy next door and at around 15 years old he moved. Needless to say, we kept in contact from time to time. 
After a few years into college, he’s telling me that he has a daughter on the way. I remember that day like it was yesterday. Where did the time go? I once use to feel something for this boy. But I quickly accepted that he became a man. I was still happy for him. 
Fast Forward to 2015, a random hello turned into “I’m not sure what to do”. 
I don’t know what it is, but my “ex’s” always gravitate to me after time. Coming to me for all kinds of advice. But because I know the God I serve, I still answer my phone. I listen and answer when I am asked with honest intentions. 
However, he was sad. Lost in a storm. It was evident. He couldn’t hide it. When I put him on hold as I spoke with clients over the weekend, If it were 5 minutes he waited. He was asking for answers. But I knew I didn’t have them. I wanted to be the one to listen. Not to solve it. I can barely solve the unknown in my current love life. How could I answer for him? But he was reaching. 
So I used my pain to make him laugh. Lord knows I’m in pain right now. I supported his decisions. Told him if he needed to separate from his current relationship to grow that I support him. If he needed someone to talk to don’t hesitate to call me. I praise him for being honest with his heart. Most men are taught to be tough about love. Love isn’t something to be tough with. Love is Love. Its as simple and complicated as that. No one asks for a broken heart. No one asks for rejection. No one asks to be left alone. No one asks for the situations they have experienced with love. 

To him; Its the first day, and tomorrow won’t be easy, neither will Wednesday, but after time the days become easier. Will you reach for her? Yes. Just make sure your not playing through the moment because, she has emotions too. 

Choices…

This wasn’t easy to write.

I’ve went from my computer to sitting up in bed figuring out the words to place in this post.

All this comes from my extremely frustrating start of August. Every year and it’s never changed. August has always been good for my re-evaluation phase.

Just a few hours ago, while finally figuring out how to adjust my IKEA chair that I had just purchased and assembled, talking on the phone with my best friend, I noticed I was in silence.

Here I am, with company via telephone, but I couldn’t help but notice the silence that surrounded me. Even though, the person on the line understood my current dilemma, my silence stood out way more than the conversation on the phone.

Difficult to discuss but brave enough to finally let go, I’ve been living independently on my own by force since February. Being that I couldn’t agree to the terms of my mothers demands I left because I knew something about myself she couldn’t quite understand, I know my rights and wrongs because I live them. Since than, it’s been extremely rough.  With no shame, I gave my last $20 last week to my friend with a child instead of feeding myself, because that’s who I am. I’ll figure it out. I always have.

Days go by and I’m faced with trial and error, how to decipher between choice and decision, and battling my emotions. Through all of this, I’m running from my need for support. It’s not that I don’t have it, I urge for this level of support from one person. A companion.

My eyes are open. I’m planning and I’d like to start planning life and this is what I seek currently.  My lack of dating, my current “friendship”, the other guy who sees this great life with me while he vents to me about his girlfriend, isn’t making this possible. However, I am okay with that. I’ve taken a bigger initiative to ensuring that my short term and long term goals happen. Said in another post, you have to be selfless in a marriage, and currently I’m not pressed for that. 

As I grow, I need to accept the things I can not control, trust God and his plan, and allow things to work themselves out. Trust my choices, and learn to understand my decisions. 

Life wasn’t meant to be easy.