Category: Life

The Transitional Phase

This post has been in the works since August of 2015.
August has always been the month in every year that I’ve applied some crazy change to my life. Usually my career changes happen around August. However, in August of 2015, I was happy at work, but my commute was costing me $420 every month, and I had finally worked out to start taking classes towards my degree. But with $420 a month in travel expenses, rent, car insurance, other bills, barely able to buy food, and attempting at paying for school out of pocket seemed impossible. No way in hell was I going to ask my parents for help, my beau at the time hated that I never asked him for help and I wasn’t going to ask him either, and I had one last friend but I wasn’t sure when and how I’d pay her back. So instead I lost weight from the stress of figuring it out. Researched, applied for grants, and crossed my fingers and prayed. Low and behold it worked out with me not having to pay or borrow anything! Sweet Jesus! But at that moment, some thing else clicked. It was a beautiful Sunday, I think August 9th, shout out to my amazing memory, I happened to be on the phone with a friend whom I had not spoken to for years. We caught up on life while I was at work completing paperwork. The conversation was about many things but what stuck out to me the most was in that moment, the disappointment, confusion, and being in an unknown space, I was ready to close that chapter.
A conversation earlier in April made this all come together. I was in a very big transitional phase in my life. I’m an adult. I make my own choices. I make shit happen on my terms. I have needs. I have wants. I have issues. I have fears. But I’m growing and it’s because I have LIFE! A lot was happening at the time, and finally I understood what the conversation meant. So I thought this through. Here a few things I’m taking serious into my transitional phase going into YEAR 27:
Accepting that things happen with time
I believe in education. If there’s anything I want/need the most, it’s my degree. I work maybe twice as hard some days to prove to my superiors that I am worth the bullshit salary they pay me. The emotional and unwanted stress that I have from work is pure insanity. When I get home, all I want is a drink/ cup of tea, someone to give me lots of undivided attention, good food, great sex, and a comfortable bed to sleep in after it all. It’s something to look forward to after my day to day 9 to 5 shenanigans but needless to say I am not getting any of the above. I wasn’t able to graduate from College at the time I had worked towards due to financial issues. I’m actually a little content in realizing that at that time, I probably should’ve dropped out because mentally I was not in a place for school. I didn’t have much support and a lot happened with my family around that time. I view school differently now. My focus is different. Maybe, I was not supposed to finish at the time I planned to be done with school. I managed to work some things out and I am currently attending as mentioned before. I’m determined. I feel like this would make it all complete, but I know that things take time, and this is something that will need time.
Oh Love, 
As I think about Love, a song comes to mind, Bitty McClean – Walk away from love. This is clearly a matter of the heart. Regardless of the heartbreaks and not so successful chapters in my dating life, I’ll always yearn for love. It’s human nature. I desire to be loved the way I love. Love has been an adventure for me. I experienced my first real adult love. The type of love that you want to run from but you stay anyway. The type of love that doesn’t hurt but the situation does. The type of love that makes you wonder what the other is feeling, and understanding their position and how your position may affect their emotional well being. The type of love that makes you think about life with the person. When life actually becomes a discussion, and figuring out what is right or wrong pulls on heart strings. The heart wants what it wants. Love is an adventure that is undefined, and no one can define it, because only your perception is how it should be for you. But love is serious business. So are relationships. Having someone responsible for your heart is a big deal. When you know, you know. For now, take your time. I rather do my healing on my own and allow my God to guide me.
Communication is key
So about my poor communication skills. The problem is when I have to reiterate, or say anything at all, I feel like my head might explode. Although, this depends on the situation. So I keep things to myself. But when I can no longer keep things in, I say a whole lot, it’s all over the place, and I’m angered by the thought of what the hell I just did. I’ll then go into a shut down or say how I feel in a not so great tone. This shit needs to stop. I’m working on my tone. I use to scream my frustrations out but I learned earlier on that it doesn’t change anything and I don’t have the energy for that. As for shut down, I’m trying to learn how to get out of that. It’s not beneficial for friendships, relationships, and professionally. So now, I’m reading self help books, communication books, and listening to podcast to assist with finding other techniques to communicate effectively. I’m trying.
Expressing my standards, while giving chances
One particular situation last year made me realize that I can no longer have expectations. It’s a recipe for disaster. Instead express my standards. When you think of the term “Standards” sometimes people make it seem like some great list of BS but not for me. I view standards as not everything your okay with someone else will be pleased with. More so, this is what is it, you down or nah? So let me put you on, listening to Myleik Teele’s podcast, can’t remember what episode but I was taking notes. My taught me that things aren’t as black and white and there’s a lot of gray, it’s much easier to cut someone off but its harder for you to “allow people to grow into your standards”. I think a trait that I have is giving chances and being patient. I try to be sensitive to understanding that people learn on different terms. But I must continue to do this so that I don’t mess up any opportunities. I think I have an opportunity right in my face, but I’m trying to be patient in this process.

Today, I turn 27

I feel some sensitive lovey shit right now but, this is a scheduled post, so I’m in Jamaica right now, thanking GOD for his many blessings. I am RICH in family, friends, life, and LOVE. Staying positive. Because GOD is working something out for me. April has been good to me so far, hopefully he does give me what my HEART wants. But if not, I’m still good. 
These are just a few, but what I am sure of is that we are all works of art.

Have you experience a transitional phase?

A Reminder

I was scrolling through Facebook and came across a post about birthdays and career advancement announcements. Love seeing positive post. I was about to like the photo until I noticed a familiar face. I couldn’t pin point who the face was but after much thought, it came to me, all I could say in that moment was, “I am truly happy for her”. She’s a blogger that I’d been following for some years now. I remember her pain through her post. They weren’t as descriptive due to the right of privacy, but it was enough to understand her pain. From family issues, to heartbreak, to divorce, and now she has found love again.
When I first started blogging, I utilized the platform to get my thoughts out. This blog has changed more than enough times to remember, I have deleted numerous post, went on hiatus, but still always wanted to return. When I searched and found other bloggers during my not so happy moments, their post helped uplift me. I read things about health, beauty, children, cooking, relationships, life, and love. Blogging helped me find some of the answers to some of my unanswered questions. Gave me a different prespective.
Blogging is a little reminder of how it has help me through something’s. It has always been therapy. Although I was on hiatus last year, I remember what April was like. I told someone I loved them on April 1st (no April fools), finally found somewhere to live, turned 26 years old, accepted a new job that gave me a career boost, and meet “the other love of my life” who turns One on April 24th (which ironically, is another not so forgetful day that was associated with disappointment, but I’ll keep it discreet).
A whole year later, and its feels different. Melancholy, maybe. I was able to view a little bit of my world through my words as I revisited old post. Although I didn’t say much, because I couldn’t due to the space I was in, what ever was left to reference has taught me a lot. This platform I have designed to express myself in whatever space I am in during which ever part of my life I may be in as well. I enjoy it, and I won’t be stopping anything soon. I may go on hiatus from time to time but I’ll be here.
This is why I blog.

Monday

It’s the fourth day in April. Which means I am 7 days away from my arrival to earth. I was born this month. Another opportunity to start the “new year”. But no big changes really. I’m sticking to the original script.
Today is gloomy and raining. This weather calls for a good cup of tea, a foot rub, a good movie, and well other adult things. But instead, I’ll do my home work and get in bed early. My body is trying to recover from my simple weekend. I feel like I’ve been lifting weights, my entire body feels sore. Rest is always good.
Pertaining to work, I’m at a new site, and I am not doing anything at the moment. I’m bored. It’s so bad that I created a Snap chat account, I’m looking at social media all day to entertain myself, and my phone is dying every few hours. I know the work load will start on Thursday but I need to do something now.
April will have two mini getaways that I am excited about.
First, Jamaica. It’s been a long time since I’ve been there. Last I went was for a funeral and I couldn’t bother to return again. For many years that was the purpose of my trips to Jamaica. Burying my loved one. This year I need to get over my fear. When my maternal grandmother passed away, apart of my world vanished. I was only able to see her for about a good three minutes before they laid her to rest. The last time I visited, anxiety was an understatement when I had to drive past her resting space. I didn’t get out the car, I couldn’t handle it. So this year, and now that some time has passed, I’m going to say hello, tears and all.
My second trip, well it’s undecided. I am positive that when I return from Jamaica, that I’ll want to get away again. I’m doing this trip alone. It won’t be far. Maybe jump on the Amtrak and go to DC. I’ve been meaning to go for a long time now. I’ll look up an Airbnb and see if I like that option or, get a nice hotel and do room service. If that doesn’t work out, staycation it is. Hotel in the city sounds cool too.
I hope I can get some reading done during this month. I finished Jojo Myers, You Before Me, and let’s just say that I am completely in my feelings. I cried after I finished that book. What a perfect way to resurface feelings? Well it will be in theaters in June, so I’ll be crying again. If your into love novels and believing that your partner should bring the best out in you, please read this book.
Anything exciting happening in April?