Category: Me

Choices…

This wasn’t easy to write.

I’ve went from my computer to sitting up in bed figuring out the words to place in this post.

All this comes from my extremely frustrating start of August. Every year and it’s never changed. August has always been good for my re-evaluation phase.

Just a few hours ago, while finally figuring out how to adjust my IKEA chair that I had just purchased and assembled, talking on the phone with my best friend, I noticed I was in silence.

Here I am, with company via telephone, but I couldn’t help but notice the silence that surrounded me. Even though, the person on the line understood my current dilemma, my silence stood out way more than the conversation on the phone.

Difficult to discuss but brave enough to finally let go, I’ve been living independently on my own by force since February. Being that I couldn’t agree to the terms of my mothers demands I left because I knew something about myself she couldn’t quite understand, I know my rights and wrongs because I live them. Since than, it’s been extremely rough.  With no shame, I gave my last $20 last week to my friend with a child instead of feeding myself, because that’s who I am. I’ll figure it out. I always have.

Days go by and I’m faced with trial and error, how to decipher between choice and decision, and battling my emotions. Through all of this, I’m running from my need for support. It’s not that I don’t have it, I urge for this level of support from one person. A companion.

My eyes are open. I’m planning and I’d like to start planning life and this is what I seek currently.  My lack of dating, my current “friendship”, the other guy who sees this great life with me while he vents to me about his girlfriend, isn’t making this possible. However, I am okay with that. I’ve taken a bigger initiative to ensuring that my short term and long term goals happen. Said in another post, you have to be selfless in a marriage, and currently I’m not pressed for that. 

As I grow, I need to accept the things I can not control, trust God and his plan, and allow things to work themselves out. Trust my choices, and learn to understand my decisions. 

Life wasn’t meant to be easy. 

Change is hard to accept

For the past couple of weeks I’ve been feeling rather down. I’ve recently got to a place in my life where I feel like things are coming together but afraid that something will fall apart. 

I have moments when I am completely pessimistic and moments when I am optimistic. 
Lately I’ve just been pessimistic. I have a few worries but nothing that I can not control. These unbreakable feelings currently makes me question everything. 
I could blame all my mind madness currently happening on my planning. 
Life is happening.
School is happening.
Career is happening.
Change is happening.
Financial independence is happening. 

All these things are happening amongst the other daily issues in life.

But I’m building my brand, and I’m more dedicated to more than ever before. Its time to start over and accept all the change that comes along with it.

All I want is HAPPY

Lately I’ve been ignoring my friends. I don’t want to seem mean but I can’t deal with all the madness in their lives. For once in a long time, I am extremely content in my current life. I have a new Job and a comfortable living situation.  But the only thing I can sort of agree with them on is their views on love, but on a slim spectrum.

My friends are becoming mothers, arguing with their spouses about marriage, and bashing men all at the same time. I don’t like all that negativity so I’ve been hiding from everyone. Call me selfish but when you’re in a different space in your life, you sometimes can’t relate with others.

I don’t want to be a mother yet. Being a mother is a selfless position in life. Not that I can’t be selfless but right now, I am selfish. I am working on myself and my future so that I am able to give my children a different upbringing than what I’ve had. I want the moon, stars, planets, dammit the universe for my little ones! I dream about how great they’ll be. I pray for them now everyday. I work on myself now so I can provide the best for them. I want the best for them and if I do not work on me, I won’t be able to give to them.

I don’t want to be married, YET. I’ve always viewed marriage as the “MAN’s” decision (We all may differ, no judgement) but the other piece to that is, I haven’t quite met anyone that made me see the “white dress and bouquet”. I have been in love before and currently am, I’m just not seeing the wedding. Anyone I’ve dated, I’ve seen something futuristic with us but not as far as a wedding goes. Currently with the guy that I’ve been seeing, some days are happier than others, sometimes we get a bit frustrated with one another, he makes me feel secure, he makes me laugh, he’s sometimes awkwardly sweet, I melt when I still see his name pops up on my phone, there is no cold world when I’m with him, yes I’m in love with this guy. I’ve expressed that I do want to be married someday and he’s expressed the same. Dating him has taught me that I need to work on myself some more. I have short term and long term goals needing some major work  that has to be taken care of before thinking of “I do”. I’m not concentrated on marriage right now so that when I am trying on my white dress, I can be ready and selfless. Marriage is selfless. If you’re not in a selfless marriage, you aren’t supposed to be married at all.


I don’t bash men. We’ve all been hurt once or twice and if there is a third time, you pray that  there will not be a forth. Some men have loved us, some have used us, some have lied, some have cheated, some were just selfish, but what you allow is what happens to you. I am a firm believer in you already knew. You knew, he’s showing you signs, he’s saying things to you, you’re hearing and seeing everything but in that beautiful heart you have “hope”. I know “hope”. I’m currently ‘hoping” for more, for the “one”, for security, for me to not get hurt AGAIN. I have been there too. But not for once will I bash any man for what another man has done. Learn and move on. It won’t always be easy to do but it can be done. Learning is growth. Some of my friends are way too sour and won’t take accountability. This I can’t be around because I can not agree with their “he ain’t shit” method of thinking.


I just want my job to be stressless for as long as possible. I want my living situation to be comfortable enough so I can accommodate myself accordingly for my next move. I want my guy to be happy, even if its not with me. I’ll be happy because he is happy. Its just that simple, not black and white, a whole lot of gray, but all I want is HAPPY.