Amanda

Sundays: This is about Support

Last year this time I remember the guy I was seeing had sent me a video of an interview with Elizabeth Warren. He told me to fast forward to a part of the video that resonated with him in regards to how he felt about my current struggles.

I locked my office door, watched the clip, and cried my eyes out. So, Elizabeth said something along the lines of, “education starts from home and parents should set their children up for a better future”, being that it is a whole year later, I rather not watch that interview, so I’m paraphrasing what I remember. I don’t know why, but I’m almost sure he never meant any harm, but my guy would always remind me of the non-support of my family. Sure, his family dynamic was different, this I knew the day I met him, but something’s aren’t for you to understand but respect, be empathic, use it as experience/ exposure, not so sure if he has learned this yet, but that shit affected me.

For awhile I assumed I was the only one going through the struggle. It was something that I had been struggling with since 2011, and lord knows when I am trying to be proactive, I don’t need a reminder of where I use to be, I’m just trying to move forward. Last year was a fucking struggle and I NEEDED support. I knew that I lacked family support, support from some friends, and even support from him. I just felt like I was supposed to call everyone to beg them for a hug, a shoulder, or a moment to be silent with them so I wouldn’t feel alone. These few gave me something different, exposure moments, but not always the support I needed, no fault, just how things are.

I sat up in bed for a few minutes to think about the people in my life for the last couple of years. The friends or family I never needed to contact, those who were patient with my growth, those who allowed me to be silent, those who called in the midst of my chaos right before the tears dropped as if they knew they were coming, those are my supporters. I would love for my parents to be more supportive but they just aren’t and that’s okay.

What I have also learned is that, sometimes they cannot support you and you’ll become the supporter. As together as I seem to be in person, and as chaotic as I make things appear, I always give inspiration and advice. People call me for support. Even when they’re not calling me, naturally, I find a way to provide support. Happy hour when I know I shouldn’t be drinking, late night calls past my bedtime when I’m tired as hell, random messages or emails because it may cheer up the day, candy bars just because, and I’m proud of you because I don’t understand the intensity of the work or the stress but I see the strive. They may not give the support I need, so I’ll give the support they need.

One year later, a text from one of my cousins, Myliek’s latest podcast, and a new perspective; we don’t always get what we need. Although we don’t always get what we need, we can create it. We choose the people we let in. sometimes they’re seasonal, and sometimes they’re roots. In whatever form they come, never forget what they’ve done for you. There’s always something to learn from the people around you. It could be good, bad, or indifferent, but it’s for a reason. Support or not, trust the moment.

Rediscovering Peace : Reliving experiences

Paris 2014

My cousin and I happen to be living the same situation in some sorts and decided that we needed a little fun. We RSVP’d for Essence Street Style Block party, dressed up, and jumped on the D train to Brooklyn.

“Our people” are amazing, and don’t let anyone tell you different, we are some pretty people for real. Food trucks, vendors, and music were everywhere. I loved seeing the parents that brought their children out to the festivities; my definition of a family day. I feel we should start early when teaching our children culture. When God blesses me with children, I will take them to events like street Style.

As we walked around the streets of Dumbo, stopped at a local sushi spot, and met up with a friend of mine. The street lights came on and we were ready to go home. So we took a stroll by Brooklyn Bridge Park.

Nostalgia kicked in and I stopped to notice the place I was in. Just a few years ago, I was there with some friends. Snapping photos and discussing life. Met a guy that spoke of Brooklyn’s outrageous gentrification and where he found most of his inspiration was in the same place we were sitting at that moment. What I had remembered the most was how happy I was. Those days were smooth. I was drama free (what I always try to be because I keep a low profile), started a new job, dated because it was fun, and I was planning my trip to Paris.

This location happened by accident this past weekend but it brought me peace. I was reminded to revisit the things that once made me happy. Since then, I’ve listened to a few songs that brought me back to good times, looked through some photos on my Mac Book of the good ol’ days, and journal about it.

I’m grateful for those moments and I will continue seeking that happiness all while planning to relive those experiences again within the next few months. I would love to jump on a plan to Paris again but the way things are going, local travels are probable. I might make it to Ohio instead for my need of random traveling. I keep talking about moving to Ohio and my cousin insists that I visit sooner than later, so October here I come (hopefully).

Oh by the way, I’m glad I didn’t rush home because I seen Angela Simmons and I spoke to Sanya Richards Ross! HYPED! LOL

Don’t you just love random nights?

Just Because,

This is nothing new. I usually always buy flowers for myself just because. It’s the simple things you should always treat yourself to. All day I’ve been asked, who bought you flowers? I like flowers so I buy them for myself. It’s as if they should always be gifted and I think only two men have given me flowers in my life, damn shame, so I’m not waiting on that, but it’s always a nice gesture. If gifted, flowers should be given with love, they live longer, trust me, I know.

Plants bring me fortitude. Through the madness lately, it’s amazing and worth keeping alive. I must have a patio or deck with a backyard so I can have a garden, whenever I do purchase a home.

Before making a very crucial decision today, I stopped at a vendor at the Bowling Green station in downtown Manhattan, purchased these pretty Dahlias. After consulting with my mother, which I do not normally do, making a very crucial decision, glad that I purchased these flowers to bring me solitude. This is a temporary fix but for now it works.

I’ll make a cup of tea or warm almond milk, take a hot shower, light a candle, turn my do not disturb on even though my hot line has not blinged since May, and pray before I sleep tonight. I think I’m closer to the “want” I’ve been praying for.

Today was a good day, I hope.