Last year this time I remember the guy I was seeing had sent me a video of an interview with Elizabeth Warren. He told me to fast forward to a part of the video that resonated with him in regards to how he felt about my current struggles.
I locked my office door, watched the clip, and cried my eyes out. So, Elizabeth said something along the lines of, “education starts from home and parents should set their children up for a better future”, being that it is a whole year later, I rather not watch that interview, so I’m paraphrasing what I remember. I don’t know why, but I’m almost sure he never meant any harm, but my guy would always remind me of the non-support of my family. Sure, his family dynamic was different, this I knew the day I met him, but something’s aren’t for you to understand but respect, be empathic, use it as experience/ exposure, not so sure if he has learned this yet, but that shit affected me.
For awhile I assumed I was the only one going through the struggle. It was something that I had been struggling with since 2011, and lord knows when I am trying to be proactive, I don’t need a reminder of where I use to be, I’m just trying to move forward. Last year was a fucking struggle and I NEEDED support. I knew that I lacked family support, support from some friends, and even support from him. I just felt like I was supposed to call everyone to beg them for a hug, a shoulder, or a moment to be silent with them so I wouldn’t feel alone. These few gave me something different, exposure moments, but not always the support I needed, no fault, just how things are.
I sat up in bed for a few minutes to think about the people in my life for the last couple of years. The friends or family I never needed to contact, those who were patient with my growth, those who allowed me to be silent, those who called in the midst of my chaos right before the tears dropped as if they knew they were coming, those are my supporters. I would love for my parents to be more supportive but they just aren’t and that’s okay.
What I have also learned is that, sometimes they cannot support you and you’ll become the supporter. As together as I seem to be in person, and as chaotic as I make things appear, I always give inspiration and advice. People call me for support. Even when they’re not calling me, naturally, I find a way to provide support. Happy hour when I know I shouldn’t be drinking, late night calls past my bedtime when I’m tired as hell, random messages or emails because it may cheer up the day, candy bars just because, and I’m proud of you because I don’t understand the intensity of the work or the stress but I see the strive. They may not give the support I need, so I’ll give the support they need.
One year later, a text from one of my cousins, Myliek’s latest podcast, and a new perspective; we don’t always get what we need. Although we don’t always get what we need, we can create it. We choose the people we let in. sometimes they’re seasonal, and sometimes they’re roots. In whatever form they come, never forget what they’ve done for you. There’s always something to learn from the people around you. It could be good, bad, or indifferent, but it’s for a reason. Support or not, trust the moment.