Ode to 2018: Edited

Most of my year has been: open my laptop, stare at the screen for five minutes, start typing, delete, delete, delete, save, never post, repeat five days later. I’d come up with all sorts of things in my head but could never organize in a word document. Truth is, it’s been an extremely emotional year. The levels of emotion that I’d experienced, I just didn’t care to share. Over the course of this year, I looked back at what the hell I’ve written throughout the year and it’s not much positivity. So, I’ve decided to blame all that shit on my twenties. Unlike the stories I’ve heard, my twenties weren’t filled with partying, random drunk nights, and all the other shit. My twenties were more like trauma, fixing, unlearning, relearning, growing pains, heartbreak, mourning, therapy, weight gain, etc. and I have less than 5 months left in my twenties- I’m looking forward to getting out of this mess.

Through the emotions, I managed to clean up some debt, graduated from undergrad, jumped into my career, successfully pay bills without anxiety, raise my credit score, intentionally see a therapist (after ghosting my second therapist – I doubt I’ll ever talk about this, but my current therapist knows why) because lord knows I’m aware of the things I am seeking to heal (Just a couple days before new year’s last December, I sat in my couch and told the guy I was dating that I recognized that my frustration levels correlate with my behavior during communication. A lot happens in a year, because not much frustrates me today I suppose). Don’t get me wrong, I’m proud.

However, the biggest lesson I’ve learned this year: no longer wanting to be resilient but be vulnerable instead. For the longest I’ve struggled with my feelings “sometimes” (Shout out the friends who catch me when I’m falling) alone.  I’ve been in moments this year that I wasn’t allowed to speak, desperately trying to get my words out but only tears flowed, going into shutdown because I had no other way out, choosing to say less instead of appearing aggressive, immediately being judged when I expressed how I felt, dismissed when I did speak up, living the “strong BLACK woman” narrative when I was in extreme pain, and all because I’m just not allowed to be, like yeah – charge it to the game. I just want to be able to express pain without fear and judgement.

Once the tree goes up, it’s time to enter a new year. As I enter into two new year’s, I aspire to:

• find more spaces that will allow me to be seen in my silence
• surround myself with like mind individuals
• cry because it’s necessary
• travel more
• speak more
• apologize more
• love freely and openly
• accept love
• receive love
• extend gratitude
• save more
• be direct
• be intentional
• reach out to old friends – to provide clarity and understanding (did that with someone this year and it felt great)
• conquer some fears
• be more present
• practice a morning routine
• continue to build
• ask for help more
• most of all – love myself more.

See y’all in the new year.

Originally posted below.

It’s 30 minutes til midnight, the start of year 2019.

I can honestly say that this year wasn’t as “difficult” like other years but it was definitely an emotionally challenging year. Somethings I’m not willing to resurface, things I haven’t found the words for yet, moments that finally happened, big wins, small wins, disappointment, but ultimately contentment.

Not sure if I have any resolutions yet but as I sit up in bed, with my head tied, the lights off, sipping on a glass of water, I’m excited for the new year.

More magic, more fire, more love, more happiness

Happy New Year