Toxic

I can’t see the future but if it’s one thing I’ve learned to pay attention to when a relationship is bound to be toxic.
We all have naive moments. I’m not perfect and I do not assume that the next person is either. But it took for a puppy love heart break, a cellphone, and a scarred ex- boyfriend, to learn how toxic someone can be to your life.
                                                                                          
I was 15 years old. Failing my 10th grade year, following the wrong crowd, getting into fights with people I called family, and my mother slapped the life out of me in front of my science teacher during parent/teachers conference. (My mother is very well known teacher so that made shit worst.) But nothing mattered like the guy I started to fall in love with. He was fresh meat in our school and I scoped him up. I was way too excited. But that boy excited me until a friend approached me in the locker room.
“Amanda, you know I respect you. And if you see my boyfriend with another girl you would tell me.”
Insert: Liesssssss!!!! Hell no I wouldn’t. But that’s another post.
“I saw your boyfriend by the KFC kissing this girl over the bridge. He gets out a period before you. We should go up there. Girl, I wanted to fight her but my boyfriend told me just to tell you.”
Did I believe her? Hell no. “Not my boyfriend”(Draya Voice). But the wrong crowd and I sure went over the bridge to the KFC that afternoon. And as we walked toward the KFC, look who we see coming in our direction, puppy love. Needless to say, a lot of other crap surfaced, I was still in love, and he breaks up with me.
I was heartbroken for a year after. No one mattered but him. I still felt like there was love. There goes that naive shit until I met “boarding school”. We talked every day and every night but something never seemed right with us. Maybe it started when we were having a conversation about Beyoncé and how she had a degree or some weird shit that he defended til 6 in the morning. The control he had in his voice was scary. I just knew we couldn’t work.  When the Sprint PDA came out, I had one for him. While he was at an away basketball game in Virginia I wasn’t able to ship it to him on time. The threats to my life that man gave me on the phone that day felt so true I went in hiding from him for months. That boy was 6’6!!! I’m 5’6. You get my drift.
But nothing compares to the last 6 years of my life. The HIM, I spoke of since I created this blog. When we first got together I knew exactly what it was that would break us up. I was somewhat out of the naïve phase but not fully. It’s somewhat, because I stayed. Why? Because I wanted to stay with him. It was my choice to be in a relationship that I knew clearly wasn’t going anywhere. I adored his friendship and the kiddy shit that made it fun. I was 18 years old when we became official, 22 years old when we broke up, and now about to be 25 years old and he is so scarred by the things I use to fight with him over in the past. I realized how much that shit couldn’t work even if I tried, but trying isn’t where I am with him. I miss our friendship everyday but him as boyfriend, shoot me. I am an extremely progressive person when I plan. We were total opposite. He was a hippy and I wanted to run the world.  I wanted to work on our career goals, and he wanted to play video games. He wanted to look at the stars, and I wanted to touch the universe. He is still this person that I met. Nothing has evolved since then. If I never left, the toxicity to my life would be beyond me. For him I tried to be lax in my ways so we could be on the same page but that didn’t work much. I messed up in college worrying about him. As simple of a word and yet so complex, I wanted more.  
We all get to a place in our lives that we want to be good, deserve better, aspire for great, while doing our best. So when you meet someone, friend, family, or foe, don’t ignore the warning signs. Give the person a try, if you see it coming just accept it, because you knew it and then move on. Some people are just temporary. We all can’t be Olivia Pope and have that gut feeling but you know when something doesn’t sit right with you.
I’ve been through some petty shit, but someone else’s view can alter your life and make it TOXIC.
 Been in a Toxic Relationship? How’d you know?
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