Category: Life

Day 3 Of Honesty

Day 3 of Honesty
Understanding,
It took Steve Harvey’s “Think like a Man” book, for me to find understanding in a prolonged relationship that I knew wasn’t going anywhere. Although it was a teenage love that blossomed into adulthood, we weren’t going to be kids forever. We grew apart by year number two, but stayed with one another for respectively 6 years due to “time”. 
I’d pretty much known him through acquainted most of my life. Just didn’t know the little boy in the school yard would have a part of me at some point of my life. We dated my last year of high school. It was all about movies, milkshakes, long walks home, and good night kisses. But I always knew we wouldn’t last. 
We were two totally different people.  After all the time that has passed, I still can’t remember having anything in common with him. I won’t say, its a bad thing, but opposites attract I guess. 
We had many differences that had a lot to do with our upbringing. It defined us in a way that I couldn’t understand. His family influenced most of the decisions he made, it outlined our relationship because he didn’t yet know how to make his own, so I’d be in control of us, which I despised. I saw his potential before he did. It was hard to see past all of that, forcing him to view something he, himself couldn’t understand. I didn’t have much patience during this time. It was too much to handle so I left before it became the next daunting task that would develop in our relationship. I needed to find understanding in our relationship, what worked for me, didn’t work for him and vise versa. He didn’t know where he stood in his own life at that time and forcing him to see something that he had to learn, I didn’t understand.
I found understanding in that, I couldn’t make him the man I seen in him, the way I thought about things weren’t always fitting to the next person, and the regardless of the passion it doesn’t exist without strive. 
He had to learn how to love himself and so did I. Loving yourself is your journey to discovery. He wasn’t the man for me, and I wasn’t the woman for him. He’ll always be my cupcake. The breakup was hard, I had to let go of someone that I grew with but, that change was necessary for us to better ourselves at that time. I have no regrets, but I have learned a lot about what I wanted for myself. 

Day 3 of honesty, everyday I am gaining more understanding of others.

Day 2 of Honesty

Weight Loss,
This is has been the one post that I’m proud to share! 
Back in 2009, I thought it was a smart idea to go on birth control being that I wasn’t ready to be somebody’s mama. It took less than a year to gain 50 pounds! With my eye kept closed, I ignored my massive weight gain. I got off the birth control for a few months and then, my doctor recommended taking birth control pills that added another 20 pounds to me.  My top weight was 220 pounds.  I’m sure you’re saying, “It’s not that serious”. Coming from 145 pounds, hell yes it is!
Confidence? Nowhere to be found!
Pride? In the bottom of my closet behind my size 6 jeans!
Judgment? Every time someone asked me if I was having a baby!
Something had to give. I was miserable! I avoided shopping. If it weren’t for my boyfriend at the time I would’ve been freezing my ass off winter of 2010 because I wouldn’t buy a jacket. I just didn’t understand how to shop for my size. I went from a 36C to a 38DD in two years. I didn’t wear a decent bra for those two years! It was terrible! I just couldn’t do it anymore. 
After my break up in 2012 and still a whopping 220 pounds, I needed a change. I wanted to get back to SELF! I signed up to the gym, went on occasional walks with my friends, and added healthier breakfast to my diet. That made a 10 pound difference that I gained right back because I wasn’t consistent! 
2013 was the year! I made a resolution and stuck to it! I went to the gym all hours of the day, week, and month! I challenged myself to run, changed my diet completely, added foods that I thought were pure hell to taste, and prayed every time my knee went out! I bought workout clothes and shoes to help motivate myself. I was alone in this one. I wanted no one’s help, this I had to do for myself. It was a deeper way of loving me. 
Going into 2014 I was down 30+ pounds. As of today, I’m down to 40+ pounds and counting. I want to be at approximately 160-170, but I’m comfortable in the skin I’m in. No lies! I got my stretch marks, some back fat that I’m working on, and now this winter it’s time to work on my stomach! 


Before and After


Day 2 of Honesty, Weight loss is one hell of a thing but, I’m proud as shit!



Day 1 of Honesty

Love, 

I’ve been fighting with my emotions since January of this year. As the clock kept ticking and my family kept asking what was I doing with my life, I felt as though I was lacking something or maybe someone. Out of all of my friends, I’m the only one thats a serial dater. Well, thats just me breaking out of my shell. That’s for another day of honesty, and how I came to dating. 

Although I had all these options, “he” was missing. 
I met him in September of 2012. His laugh annoyed me, his sense of humor wasn’t funny, he was too close for our first date. But I still went on every date he invited me to. Somewhere in it all I knew I like him. I would never admit until our ‘big fight’.
He messaged me over Skype, asking me how I felt about ‘relationships?’ My response was, ‘I don’t think you’re ready’. Knowing that’s how I felt. He made sure he gave me a mouth full. That I had personality issues and everything. But I knew why I felt that way, I would hurt him. There was someone else that still managed to give me new scars. I didn’t want him to go through that. He was the sweetest thing. No one deserves that. I needed to grow, and that I did.
I stopped dating all together for awhile. And even the guys I were meeting at the time, I made sure to let them know where I was in my life. A few feelings I hurt along the way, but I had to let them know that it wouldn’t be right to lead them on. Knowing that I couldn’t be what they wanted. I learned to love me in this process, changed how I thought, lost a lot of weight, made new friends, and for once I was happy.
It wasn’t until one day at work my driver asked me about my love life that then I realized I missed him. I didn’t want to admit it. Scared to reach out to because I just knew he wouldn’t say a word to me. After the way he cussed me the last time we spoke, I was sure. But it was November of 2013, and we hadn’t spoken since August. I left him alone. I didn’t have his number so in January I wished him a happy birthday via Facebook. And he responded thank you. I felt it was a step closer but not sure if I should step on his toes.
Not until my coworker wanted to inquire about a job that I knew ‘he’ was employed with, I told him I’d try but I was sure he wouldn’t respond but he did. This was February, I knew I couldn’t allow this to keep going so I waited until the end of March.
I sent him a message telling him I had an epiphany about him and that I’d like to share it with him. We spoke here and there for the month of April until I invited him for dinner in May.
He loves Barbecue, so I made reservations to ensure he’d be in a good mood. And he knew I was buttering him up. I was nervous. But I wanted him to know, why I couldn’t give him what he wanted and to give me another chance.
He approved.
We’ve been dating without having the initial conversation about what we wanted. But over all the conversations and all the many times I could’ve said how I see him in my eyes, I never said a word, neither did he. Until I found out that he was dating someone else.
Crushed my world, because now I’m in love. I’ve stop talking to him until I Chose . 
The hardest part is that through it all, he was my friend. But I love myself enough to know that this will only keep damaging me.

Day 1 of Honesty, letting this love go, and allowing the right love to find me.