Day 1 of Honesty

Love, 

I’ve been fighting with my emotions since January of this year. As the clock kept ticking and my family kept asking what was I doing with my life, I felt as though I was lacking something or maybe someone. Out of all of my friends, I’m the only one thats a serial dater. Well, thats just me breaking out of my shell. That’s for another day of honesty, and how I came to dating. 

Although I had all these options, “he” was missing. 
I met him in September of 2012. His laugh annoyed me, his sense of humor wasn’t funny, he was too close for our first date. But I still went on every date he invited me to. Somewhere in it all I knew I like him. I would never admit until our ‘big fight’.
He messaged me over Skype, asking me how I felt about ‘relationships?’ My response was, ‘I don’t think you’re ready’. Knowing that’s how I felt. He made sure he gave me a mouth full. That I had personality issues and everything. But I knew why I felt that way, I would hurt him. There was someone else that still managed to give me new scars. I didn’t want him to go through that. He was the sweetest thing. No one deserves that. I needed to grow, and that I did.
I stopped dating all together for awhile. And even the guys I were meeting at the time, I made sure to let them know where I was in my life. A few feelings I hurt along the way, but I had to let them know that it wouldn’t be right to lead them on. Knowing that I couldn’t be what they wanted. I learned to love me in this process, changed how I thought, lost a lot of weight, made new friends, and for once I was happy.
It wasn’t until one day at work my driver asked me about my love life that then I realized I missed him. I didn’t want to admit it. Scared to reach out to because I just knew he wouldn’t say a word to me. After the way he cussed me the last time we spoke, I was sure. But it was November of 2013, and we hadn’t spoken since August. I left him alone. I didn’t have his number so in January I wished him a happy birthday via Facebook. And he responded thank you. I felt it was a step closer but not sure if I should step on his toes.
Not until my coworker wanted to inquire about a job that I knew ‘he’ was employed with, I told him I’d try but I was sure he wouldn’t respond but he did. This was February, I knew I couldn’t allow this to keep going so I waited until the end of March.
I sent him a message telling him I had an epiphany about him and that I’d like to share it with him. We spoke here and there for the month of April until I invited him for dinner in May.
He loves Barbecue, so I made reservations to ensure he’d be in a good mood. And he knew I was buttering him up. I was nervous. But I wanted him to know, why I couldn’t give him what he wanted and to give me another chance.
He approved.
We’ve been dating without having the initial conversation about what we wanted. But over all the conversations and all the many times I could’ve said how I see him in my eyes, I never said a word, neither did he. Until I found out that he was dating someone else.
Crushed my world, because now I’m in love. I’ve stop talking to him until I Chose . 
The hardest part is that through it all, he was my friend. But I love myself enough to know that this will only keep damaging me.

Day 1 of Honesty, letting this love go, and allowing the right love to find me.
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