For months I delayed purchasing my ticket to go to Jamaica because I had much more important things I could do with the money. But as the time got closer, my mind needed a reset. Vacation always puts me in reset mode. I was nervous about the whole thing because I had not been there in almost 8 years. The last time, I was burying family. Jamaica was like that for me between the years of 2006 to 2008. I no longer wanted to go back to the place my parents call home because it was always a funeral. The thought of Jamaica made me cringe. However, this year, I wanted to get over my fear of going back. Apart of that fear was burying my grandmother in 2007. I loved her dearly. And every time I’d arrive and leave Jamaica, we would always pass where she was laid to rest. I remember the last time I was there in 2008 and how I could not breathe as we drove closer to the cemetery. It was something I no longer wanted to experience. But I needed to visit her and say hello because I was unsure if I’d have the time again or if I had finally outgrown that fear. Lets just say, seeing her again, healed me. I had experience a lot over the year and needed this more than I thought. I wasn’t able to say good bye again but I got to say hello. It started my trip on a good note, kinda.

I went back home to my father’s parish in Jamaica. The beautiful parish of Portland. It’s natural beauty is one to see. I never seen the beauty until this visit. Above from left to right, I wrote year 27 in the sand at Frenchmen’s Cove beach, below is the Trident castle (I dare you to google this and look at the wedding packages, its a dream! Maybe mister right might agree to those prices), the Blue lagoon is 65 feet deep and he had to drag my ass out that water, and below I enjoyed the swing at Frenchmen’s cove beach that was connected to a small river. 

Here from left to right, was our tour guide as we rafted around the Blue lagoon, the day we stopped by a local beach and I needed this photo to remind me that New York beaches are filthy because in JA I could see my toes!, and I went to a resort on my birthday and enjoyed the all inclusive amenities in Ocho Rios.

The top photo, I took as we were driving to Ocho Rios, below, from left to right, I was sitting on the veranda enjoying a cup of tea at 6:00 AM as it lightly rained as it does in Portland, my two friends who came to experience this trip with me, and right before I turned 27 years old on April 11th, I went into the town at a karaoke lounge with my friends and were talking to those guys across the street. 
What I did learn on this trip was that I am patient. Things that would cause me internal strife and anxiety, didn’t really occur on this trip like I assumed. Some problems happened being that I stayed at my house, but I took it well. The trip was fun but this may be my official last girls get away. Well, there’s is the bachelorette getaway coming next year for my best friend, but I’ll be set up in a different way so I don’t have to deal with any form of drama, like on other girls trips in prior years. I’m currently working on a baeaction! Jamaica is romantic. I met a couple from Brooklyn that were staying at a treehouse by the Blue Lagoon. I was jealous, I won’t lie. So I’m working on it. I’d like to go on another romantic getaway. Its fun. After this trip, I will be returning to Jamaica. I’ll attempt at making it a once a year trip but I usually only go away once a year because I’m adulting and I have somethings to take care of for my future that I am currently putting together. 
My heart is getting what it wanted, as I addressed in my Transitional Phase post. I went for a second round interview that I was praying for. School is coming together. I’m transitioning into my career very well. All the previous jobs have aligned this year which makes me happy. And I feel good. I have some amazing people in my life. I’m excited about some of the opportunities that are coming my way. I’ve been healing from all the disappointment I was facing last year. I’m proud of where I am. I’m allowing time to happen.  
Toast to an amazing start, #year27

The Transitional Phase

This post has been in the works since August of 2015.
August has always been the month in every year that I’ve applied some crazy change to my life. Usually my career changes happen around August. However, in August of 2015, I was happy at work, but my commute was costing me $420 every month, and I had finally worked out to start taking classes towards my degree. But with $420 a month in travel expenses, rent, car insurance, other bills, barely able to buy food, and attempting at paying for school out of pocket seemed impossible. No way in hell was I going to ask my parents for help, my beau at the time hated that I never asked him for help and I wasn’t going to ask him either, and I had one last friend but I wasn’t sure when and how I’d pay her back. So instead I lost weight from the stress of figuring it out. Researched, applied for grants, and crossed my fingers and prayed. Low and behold it worked out with me not having to pay or borrow anything! Sweet Jesus! But at that moment, some thing else clicked. It was a beautiful Sunday, I think August 9th, shout out to my amazing memory, I happened to be on the phone with a friend whom I had not spoken to for years. We caught up on life while I was at work completing paperwork. The conversation was about many things but what stuck out to me the most was in that moment, the disappointment, confusion, and being in an unknown space, I was ready to close that chapter.
A conversation earlier in April made this all come together. I was in a very big transitional phase in my life. I’m an adult. I make my own choices. I make shit happen on my terms. I have needs. I have wants. I have issues. I have fears. But I’m growing and it’s because I have LIFE! A lot was happening at the time, and finally I understood what the conversation meant. So I thought this through. Here a few things I’m taking serious into my transitional phase going into YEAR 27:
Accepting that things happen with time
I believe in education. If there’s anything I want/need the most, it’s my degree. I work maybe twice as hard some days to prove to my superiors that I am worth the bullshit salary they pay me. The emotional and unwanted stress that I have from work is pure insanity. When I get home, all I want is a drink/ cup of tea, someone to give me lots of undivided attention, good food, great sex, and a comfortable bed to sleep in after it all. It’s something to look forward to after my day to day 9 to 5 shenanigans but needless to say I am not getting any of the above. I wasn’t able to graduate from College at the time I had worked towards due to financial issues. I’m actually a little content in realizing that at that time, I probably should’ve dropped out because mentally I was not in a place for school. I didn’t have much support and a lot happened with my family around that time. I view school differently now. My focus is different. Maybe, I was not supposed to finish at the time I planned to be done with school. I managed to work some things out and I am currently attending as mentioned before. I’m determined. I feel like this would make it all complete, but I know that things take time, and this is something that will need time.
Oh Love, 
As I think about Love, a song comes to mind, Bitty McClean – Walk away from love. This is clearly a matter of the heart. Regardless of the heartbreaks and not so successful chapters in my dating life, I’ll always yearn for love. It’s human nature. I desire to be loved the way I love. Love has been an adventure for me. I experienced my first real adult love. The type of love that you want to run from but you stay anyway. The type of love that doesn’t hurt but the situation does. The type of love that makes you wonder what the other is feeling, and understanding their position and how your position may affect their emotional well being. The type of love that makes you think about life with the person. When life actually becomes a discussion, and figuring out what is right or wrong pulls on heart strings. The heart wants what it wants. Love is an adventure that is undefined, and no one can define it, because only your perception is how it should be for you. But love is serious business. So are relationships. Having someone responsible for your heart is a big deal. When you know, you know. For now, take your time. I rather do my healing on my own and allow my God to guide me.
Communication is key
So about my poor communication skills. The problem is when I have to reiterate, or say anything at all, I feel like my head might explode. Although, this depends on the situation. So I keep things to myself. But when I can no longer keep things in, I say a whole lot, it’s all over the place, and I’m angered by the thought of what the hell I just did. I’ll then go into a shut down or say how I feel in a not so great tone. This shit needs to stop. I’m working on my tone. I use to scream my frustrations out but I learned earlier on that it doesn’t change anything and I don’t have the energy for that. As for shut down, I’m trying to learn how to get out of that. It’s not beneficial for friendships, relationships, and professionally. So now, I’m reading self help books, communication books, and listening to podcast to assist with finding other techniques to communicate effectively. I’m trying.
Expressing my standards, while giving chances
One particular situation last year made me realize that I can no longer have expectations. It’s a recipe for disaster. Instead express my standards. When you think of the term “Standards” sometimes people make it seem like some great list of BS but not for me. I view standards as not everything your okay with someone else will be pleased with. More so, this is what is it, you down or nah? So let me put you on, listening to Myleik Teele’s podcast, can’t remember what episode but I was taking notes. My taught me that things aren’t as black and white and there’s a lot of gray, it’s much easier to cut someone off but its harder for you to “allow people to grow into your standards”. I think a trait that I have is giving chances and being patient. I try to be sensitive to understanding that people learn on different terms. But I must continue to do this so that I don’t mess up any opportunities. I think I have an opportunity right in my face, but I’m trying to be patient in this process.

Today, I turn 27

I feel some sensitive lovey shit right now but, this is a scheduled post, so I’m in Jamaica right now, thanking GOD for his many blessings. I am RICH in family, friends, life, and LOVE. Staying positive. Because GOD is working something out for me. April has been good to me so far, hopefully he does give me what my HEART wants. But if not, I’m still good. 
These are just a few, but what I am sure of is that we are all works of art.

Have you experience a transitional phase?