I started this post in another post riding the train about a week ago. But the other post didn’t feel right. Not that it was forced, but more about it not really delivering what I wanted to say. I think that December put me in an awkward space beginning with my brother’s wedding. You know that you’re getting older when your immediate family starts getting married and stuff. I finally experienced what most people hate; the “Are you next?” question. My parents and friends think that I’m secretive about my dating life but it’s more about the lack of dating and the confusion I choose to experience with my ex. So, I am not bringing him home or anyone else until I am sure or convinced enough that somebody actually wants my ass. After the wedding, I became lazy at work, which means, it’s time to go. I don’t hate my job, I just wish I were in a more fulfilling position. Next, school was physically bussing my ass and still is. Lastly, over the last few years my parents and I have not been in the best space and this causes me anxiety. The holidays make me sad because I am not happy with them, their poor decisions, and I am sacred as life keeps ticking because I feel the pressure of providing for them and I don’t have a family yet. Y’all, I am stressed out right now.
However, I want to talk about 2017. Yesterday, I took myself out for a cider and onions rings in Harlem because I felt down. Over the last three days, I’ve been experiencing conflict with my ex and my family. I take things hard and I am also learning how to handle my internal emotions while dealing with conflict but this also adds too my holiday anxiety. I am a work in progress. I sat at the bar and listened to a podcast that asked that I take the time to ask the following questions; so here it is:
What’s the biggest life lesson you’ve learned this year?
The biggest life lesion I learned this year is that I can do anything as long as I believe it to be possible. I think most of last year I spoke about my insecurity with school. Not knowing when I’ll graduate because of all the financial hardships and the no money I was making that couldn’t help me make a difference. But BABYYYYYY, the one and only GOD lined me up something amazing at the beginning of this year. He provided me with a job with a salary increase, gave me an apartment with affordable rent, the means to pay off a debt that haunted me for 5 years, and the strength to survive the struggle and motions through it all.
What’s the biggest lesson you’ve learned about yourself?
My biggest lesson that I learned about myself this year is that it is okay to be alone. I’ve read and heard so much pessimistic beliefs about being alone that I would avoid telling anyone that I would be alone for an occasion or if I was going to have dinner by myself. I realized that I actually enjoy my own company and recharge from being alone. I accepted that I am a lover of art, water, candles, “nature”, FLOWERS/plants, poetry, and intimate settings. I am sensitive, I love-love, I am emotional, and I adore helping people.
What’s something you accomplished this year that you’re super proud of?
Paying that damn debt that haunted me for 5 years is an accomplishment that I am super proud of. Having the discipline to save while Zara had so much amazing stuff this year was a struggle. I paid a 5-figure debt in cash!!!!
What’s something you didn’t accomplish this year that you want to accomplish in the new year?
I have two things I look forward to accomplishing in the new year; my degree and challenging myself to limit my swearing. For so long not having my degree defined me. Through all my career accomplishments I felt as if my degree was still a major factor. I experienced judgement from colleagues and people in my life regarding not obtaining my degree. It bothered me something terrible. I put my mind to it and I am 6 months shy of completing this once daunting task. So about swearing. I currently work with children and for so long I was administrative with adults and in environments that allowed me to freely express my disdain through profanity. However, I realized how much I despised hearing when people would swear at children or around children. Being aware of this, I decided that I would force myself to stop swearing because it can be an unnecessary use of expression.
What did you do that made it a stronger year than last year?
I learned to be a little bit more patient with myself and practiced self-awareness this year that made it a stronger year than last year. In some instances, I stepped outside of myself and asked for feedback when I couldn’t answer things for myself. I wish to continue this in the year and add more methods to build a stronger me.
Was 2017 a good year to you?
Hell yeah! 2017 loved me up GOOD. Compared to prior years, it’s been a really good year.
To my friends that I have met through this space, take the time to answer these questions. If you create a post, I’ll be reading, or leave a comment. Can’t wait to read about your 2017. Happy Holiday, Peace and blessing, see you in 2018.