It’s 8:20 AM and I’m sitting up in my other room in Philadelphia. Took this trip to be away from the familiar. Nothing more or nothing less. A little separation is always needed. I met up with old friends, had drinks, danced to trap music, ate wings, and I went for an authentic Philly cheese steak sandwich. This was a cool weekend.
Over Sushi, during the conversation about marriage, a friend of mine has given her partner a time frame for a proposal. I will not comment on this particular subject because I have been apart of this ring hunt. To the man the lord says will be my husband, I so understand the ring process, I love you lol. Its extremely annoying and honestly if only she knew, she’d understand how much work and patience goes into making sure her ring is perfect. Lets just say I waited for her boyfriend in the cold for two hours to be moral support as he chose her ring. But I digress. During that moment, as she vented her frustration, I made a comment and said “I guess I can’t understand because I’m not making any plans with anyone.”
Then and there, I told myself I am done.
I have never been the type to rush what is for me, but after a few months and the last relationship that I had, I cannot do this anymore. Fear and all, I have to overcome this. Just the day before, I read this quote and immediately my chest tightened.
April will make one year, that I am officially single. But technically, if you ask me and not him, I’ve been single since November. Well mainly because I assumed that he was inlove. But there was something I always knew, he didn’t. One night after dinner, he asked me if I had a dream guy. I told him, “No. I just aspire to have a love with someone that is sure because I love unconditionally and as for my experience in love, my partners love me conditionally.” He was one of those lovers. He loved things about me but couldn’t entirely love me. For some reasons I will never know. But that’s okay. I decided to perceive the actions of my last lover and I assumed he was in love. I stayed because I wanted to be patient with him. I knew walking into that relationship that love was possible and that changing his perception on love would be a difficult one. I knew that his idea of love wasn’t my own. One summer day, he came by to spend sometime with me. One thing lead to another and there I was wrapped in arms, a place that held me hostage every time he cuddled me since the day we met. He asked me then,
“Why do you love me?”
“This is the second or third time you’ve asked this, what are you trying to find out?”
“Do you think I love you?”
“Honestly, I don’t know what your perception is on love but I know you care about me. Maybe you have a love for me.”
He continued to discuss why he may have a love for me because in that moment, he expressed how he kept thinking if I would come visit him when he left to business school and wondering if I would be around.
I told him yes I’d be around. But I should’ve said no. Time could only tell. Because all these months later, and I barely hear his voice and see him because something had to give. I knew what I always wanted but due to conversations like that one, I waited around in hope. I’m not wrong for this because I had to learn this lesson.
I blamed myself, and ignored all the obvious reasons that its not me, its him. We all have the right to choose what’s best for us, and I honestly think he was doing just that. Choosing what was right for him. For months, I would question things, asking if he found anyone new, in hopes that this will end because he found someone. Convincing myself that this would solve the madness I was going through even when there was no one else but me. Crazy, I know. I felt disappointment knowing he didn’t love me. I’m the compromising type. I try. And if it doesn’t work then it just doesn’t work. But for us, I sometimes thought we didn’t try, we became comfortable and convenient. Something I no longer wanted to exist in. I desired stability. As simple and complex, I just need to know we were in this and we’d live it until it worked or didn’t. But I learned from earlier in that relationship you can’t force anything. I mean, he did questionable shit but that would be based on my perception and never asking for clarity. There were many things I did not like about him. Things about him that he still needed to grow from, and vice versa for me. Things we did discuss. I don’t blame him solely for anything that transpired between the two of us because hands down, in the amount of time we existed, that was my best relationship. He was patient with me, as I went through a lot of transitional and painful moments. He supported me. I couldn’t dare say anything terrible about him.
But today, I declare, I am done. He’s my friend and I miss him for that reason. But I need to overcome this. Open myself again to possibility and opportunity. Learn the many lessons from this relationship. I have grown a lot because of him. If you don’t grow and become knowledgeable from the people you chose to share your life with, they don’t belong. Maybe this chapter is closing this way, and if this love should find its way back, it will open up another chapter. For now, I’ll work on all the things needed for me to prepare myself for what the future may bring. I did learn from my personality test, I need to work on planning. So here I am ready for the challenge.
This weekend taught me that trail and error is necessary in growth.