I will not…..

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January 2018, Union Square Park

Can you believe it’s almost May? I can’t believe it either because it feels like fall in New York City. I cannot wait to take my talents to the south so I can enjoy the warmer climate. But about April…..

I celebrated my 29th birthday with my family and a few close friends. I think cutting cake became a family tradition a few years ago if birthdays were during the week, so it was only right to invite too many people this year in my tiny studio apartment for cake. I wasn’t the happiest at the start of my day but the love was felt by the end.

I’ve been in crunch time mode this month trying to finish up a couple classes and adjusting my time management at work. Goal number two is on the way and I need to find the motivation to keep pushing through. Look out for me June 7th.

Scrolling through Instagram stories, one of my favorite bloggers expressed that she felt sad and realized that she was still grieving the loss of her mother. She continued to express that it was okay to be sad, cry, or be in a funk because it’s part of the process. This resonated with me because I too am grieving. The loss of my grandmother still triggers me, a recent break up has me completely torn, and an old friend died a week ago during heart surgery; I’m grieving.

The biggest assumption about me is that I am strong, but I feel too. I feel a lot more than I want to and sometimes I sacrifice more of myself to comfort others so I appear strong. Today I am proclaiming that I am currently weak. And there is nothing wrong with being weak, I’m okay being weak. I took my ass to a therapist and asked for help to become stronger again because I am feeling right now. I may or may not be quite in May but I most definitely will be much better, THANKS to my bomb ass therapist!

Thanks to my Friend Kenny: Amanda means “Will not Fall” in Igbo.

Affirming: “I WILL NOT FALL”

How was your April and what are you anticipating for May?

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Safety

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I purchased that grey acrylic chair through a craigslist ad back when I was rooming. I had no business buying another piece of furniture while living in that room but I couldn’t say no to it. I contacted the seller, jumped in my car, drove to Brooklyn, placed my new chair in the back seat, picked up some flowers from a farmer’s market in that neighborhood, went home and spent almost 3 hours figuring out where I wanted to place my chair. I placed my chair in the corner of my room, next to a window that seemed to be the perfect spot. That summer I spent most of my afternoons in that chair thinking and drinking a cup of tea. Those months were filled with confusion, pain, transition, love, forgiveness, sacrifice, and lots of patience. That chair became a space to reconnect. Continue reading “Safety”

Complaining my way to Self CARE

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I’ve spent the last few weeks complaining. I called a friend, we met up for drinks, and I continued to complain. Through sips of my mojito, I asked her to be my accountability partner, because we all need one. But I shouldn’t need an accountability partner to realize that I need to be better about my self care. Continue reading “Complaining my way to Self CARE”

So, Let’s Talk

Happiness
Earlier this week,  I was sitting in my bed at around 1:45 AM because it has been an hour since I had come home from work, I’m thinking about happiness. Since I’m still actively using my sheconquered_ Instagram page, I get to watch the instachat videos and scroll through all the things that muse me before closing my eyes. I listen to one of my favorite artist discuss the joy of sitting in her studio on her couch after a long day or early morning, and how it brings her happiness.
So my question is “WHAT BRINGS YOU HAPPINESS?” When was the last time you’ve done something that brought you complete joy? Was it something simple or complex? Did it make you reflect? Or, are you currently reading this and trying to find the answer? If so, take your time.
I say, use the summer months to bring a little bit of happiness into your world. It’s the best time to do it because there is something about warmer weather that makes people much happier.
My happiness list is as follows:
Sitting by water (Lake, Beach, River)
A perfectly made cup of tea in the early morning on a summer day
Mid day runs during 80 degree days
Parks, picnics, and friends (CURLFEST BROOKLYN)
Sunday mornings listening to Beres Hammond (I’ll always be a Caribbean girl)
Being with the people I genuinely/unconditionally love
Last but not least, a great cuddle. (The kind that makes you fall asleep and drool a little LOL)

Make a list and get the happiness flowing!