April, the musings of March

IMG_0271I think it’s extremely unfortunate that my reason for always returning back to my blog is whenever I am unhappy. But, these last couple of years haven’t been the best. Have they been the worst, no, but I wish for more enthusiasm.  Continue reading “April, the musings of March”


What’s Going Well?


I am sitting in front of my computer trying to figure out how to start this post and that is a problem. Why? Because I promised myself that nothing will be forced. So instead of over thinking I’ll make this simple.  Continue reading “What’s Going Well?”

Currently: The WeekEnd

Friday |

My weekend started with happy hour at the local Yard House. I’m addicted to the fish tacos. Met up with my cousin to see how he was doing since his brother’s passing a few months ago. He took it really hard and I try to see him every few weeks but summer hasn’t allowed that. He’s been traveling, and I’ve been working. However, I’m usually his counselor when we meet up and but didn’t expect our conversation to turn into “Amanda, I think I’m inlove, I’m going crazy, I’m not sure what to do because I have trust issues, what do you think?” If only people knew what the hell was happening in my current love life, they wouldn’t ask me shit. The clinical psychologist in me simply suggested, try to be in the relationship and accept her completely, it will not be easy, all relationships are work, but trying never hurts. BUT, if trying isn’t plausible, respect her enough to love her and leave her alone, it’s painful but it’s better that way. After our session, we were able to catch the rainbow pictured above, there’s always something beautiful in the way nature aligns with the universe. “She might be something lucky”, I said as we left the mall.
Saturday |
Watched the Olympics and laid around until the afternoon. The temperature was somewhere in the high 90s and I do not do heat well. If I had not purchased my tickets already, I would be in the same spot, but I couldn’t pass up good company. My friend Korey and I met up for dinner and see the live show for one of our favorite podcasts; The Friend Zone Podcast. 
We ate at Burger and Lobster. The menu is simple, 10-ounce burger with fries and a salad, Lobster roll fries and a salad, or whole lobster with fries and a salad; all for $20 each. We both chose Lobster Rolls. He had a little love thing going on too. So, day two of counseling. This time, he was questioning how great things were going. But simple and modest me, I suggested that he let things be, live in the moment. But once we got to the show, love was in the room, catch the episode on Wednesday, you’ll see what I mean. The last listener question pulled on my heart strings, that’s the compromising person in me.
Sunday |
Was suppose to be my cleaning day. I did get laundry done, but was interrupted by my little sister. DAY 3 of counseling. She halts my day because she recently broke up with her boyfriend and is about to go through the motions. So I sent her a long text message about loving herself. Begging her to learn from the people around her.  I vividly remember walking out of a relationship very similar to the one she was in about 4 to 5 years ago. A lot of work and effort I invested into that relationship to never have any of it reciprocated. But what I learned was that I made choices that I had to forgive myself for and learn from them. I still remind myself that I make choices in my current love life, there’s accountability in my choices.
All this energy, my damn phone will be off by next weekend, lord knows I need a love/counseling break. Although, it’s what I do professionally, I still need a break.

How was your weekend?

When Reality Hurts

Disa wasn’t lying when she said Good Bye’s aren’t easy.
I want to live in the moment, be happy with how things are, but this is what happens when reality hurts.
The lump of hope that sits on my heart, and the “can we try again?” that is lodged in the back of my throat, makes it harder to grasp.
I try to convince myself that I am prepared for the reality but instead the passenger sitting next to me can barely look me in my face because she is listening to me gasping for air as I hold back tears on our flight back to New York, but its evident, I need more practice.  
Although this change has been written in our script since the beginning, I haven’t quite learned to function in this role. It’s a hell of an adjustment to make, but I hope you see I’m trying. 
Learning how to accept the unknown in our Good Bye’s is the hardest part.
Here comes August…….. Lord be a Guide.

The Transitional Phase

This post has been in the works since August of 2015.
August has always been the month in every year that I’ve applied some crazy change to my life. Usually my career changes happen around August. However, in August of 2015, I was happy at work, but my commute was costing me $420 every month, and I had finally worked out to start taking classes towards my degree. But with $420 a month in travel expenses, rent, car insurance, other bills, barely able to buy food, and attempting at paying for school out of pocket seemed impossible. No way in hell was I going to ask my parents for help, my beau at the time hated that I never asked him for help and I wasn’t going to ask him either, and I had one last friend but I wasn’t sure when and how I’d pay her back. So instead I lost weight from the stress of figuring it out. Researched, applied for grants, and crossed my fingers and prayed. Low and behold it worked out with me not having to pay or borrow anything! Sweet Jesus! But at that moment, some thing else clicked. It was a beautiful Sunday, I think August 9th, shout out to my amazing memory, I happened to be on the phone with a friend whom I had not spoken to for years. We caught up on life while I was at work completing paperwork. The conversation was about many things but what stuck out to me the most was in that moment, the disappointment, confusion, and being in an unknown space, I was ready to close that chapter.
A conversation earlier in April made this all come together. I was in a very big transitional phase in my life. I’m an adult. I make my own choices. I make shit happen on my terms. I have needs. I have wants. I have issues. I have fears. But I’m growing and it’s because I have LIFE! A lot was happening at the time, and finally I understood what the conversation meant. So I thought this through. Here a few things I’m taking serious into my transitional phase going into YEAR 27:
Accepting that things happen with time
I believe in education. If there’s anything I want/need the most, it’s my degree. I work maybe twice as hard some days to prove to my superiors that I am worth the bullshit salary they pay me. The emotional and unwanted stress that I have from work is pure insanity. When I get home, all I want is a drink/ cup of tea, someone to give me lots of undivided attention, good food, great sex, and a comfortable bed to sleep in after it all. It’s something to look forward to after my day to day 9 to 5 shenanigans but needless to say I am not getting any of the above. I wasn’t able to graduate from College at the time I had worked towards due to financial issues. I’m actually a little content in realizing that at that time, I probably should’ve dropped out because mentally I was not in a place for school. I didn’t have much support and a lot happened with my family around that time. I view school differently now. My focus is different. Maybe, I was not supposed to finish at the time I planned to be done with school. I managed to work some things out and I am currently attending as mentioned before. I’m determined. I feel like this would make it all complete, but I know that things take time, and this is something that will need time.
Oh Love, 
As I think about Love, a song comes to mind, Bitty McClean – Walk away from love. This is clearly a matter of the heart. Regardless of the heartbreaks and not so successful chapters in my dating life, I’ll always yearn for love. It’s human nature. I desire to be loved the way I love. Love has been an adventure for me. I experienced my first real adult love. The type of love that you want to run from but you stay anyway. The type of love that doesn’t hurt but the situation does. The type of love that makes you wonder what the other is feeling, and understanding their position and how your position may affect their emotional well being. The type of love that makes you think about life with the person. When life actually becomes a discussion, and figuring out what is right or wrong pulls on heart strings. The heart wants what it wants. Love is an adventure that is undefined, and no one can define it, because only your perception is how it should be for you. But love is serious business. So are relationships. Having someone responsible for your heart is a big deal. When you know, you know. For now, take your time. I rather do my healing on my own and allow my God to guide me.
Communication is key
So about my poor communication skills. The problem is when I have to reiterate, or say anything at all, I feel like my head might explode. Although, this depends on the situation. So I keep things to myself. But when I can no longer keep things in, I say a whole lot, it’s all over the place, and I’m angered by the thought of what the hell I just did. I’ll then go into a shut down or say how I feel in a not so great tone. This shit needs to stop. I’m working on my tone. I use to scream my frustrations out but I learned earlier on that it doesn’t change anything and I don’t have the energy for that. As for shut down, I’m trying to learn how to get out of that. It’s not beneficial for friendships, relationships, and professionally. So now, I’m reading self help books, communication books, and listening to podcast to assist with finding other techniques to communicate effectively. I’m trying.
Expressing my standards, while giving chances
One particular situation last year made me realize that I can no longer have expectations. It’s a recipe for disaster. Instead express my standards. When you think of the term “Standards” sometimes people make it seem like some great list of BS but not for me. I view standards as not everything your okay with someone else will be pleased with. More so, this is what is it, you down or nah? So let me put you on, listening to Myleik Teele’s podcast, can’t remember what episode but I was taking notes. My taught me that things aren’t as black and white and there’s a lot of gray, it’s much easier to cut someone off but its harder for you to “allow people to grow into your standards”. I think a trait that I have is giving chances and being patient. I try to be sensitive to understanding that people learn on different terms. But I must continue to do this so that I don’t mess up any opportunities. I think I have an opportunity right in my face, but I’m trying to be patient in this process.

Today, I turn 27

I feel some sensitive lovey shit right now but, this is a scheduled post, so I’m in Jamaica right now, thanking GOD for his many blessings. I am RICH in family, friends, life, and LOVE. Staying positive. Because GOD is working something out for me. April has been good to me so far, hopefully he does give me what my HEART wants. But if not, I’m still good. 
These are just a few, but what I am sure of is that we are all works of art.

Have you experience a transitional phase?


It’s 7:31 pm Sunday nightI’ve been waiting a whole hour to be seated at the bar since the ratchets decided to have a big ass brawl at the local Friday’s. 

Came across a new blogger and immediately connected. Just to sum up what I have read, she told an old lover that she was lonely.
I’m lonely. And I’ve known this for some time now. My parents are literally 10 blocks away from me, my sister is still there too, I live with my cousin, I speak to my best friends often, but I can’t shake this shit. 
I’m lonely with love. I wrote him a letter and sent it in a card, told him that what I am going through is Rehab. Currently I am trying to learn to shed the love that I have for this man daily. It’s really hard to do when someone has been apart of your world consistently. What makes it so much harder is that I didn’t really know how much I truly loved this guy until our intimacy needed to end. 
I fought with myself for months trying to find a way to still have him selfishly. “Being friends” after falling in love. Shit makes no sense. How do I separate the idea that he’ll belong to anyone else but me. Nah, fuck this. I just can’t speak to him until I am okay. 
But what’s so scary is that, I really don’t think I’ll ever be okay. This love is a different kind of love. Break ups are hard for me but nothing like this one. Usually I’ll be good after a month or over of separation. Not to start dating again, but my functioning would be okay. Not this time. I fall apart when I wake up, when I leave work, when I’m walking to my car, when I’m in the shower, when I go to bed, and even in my damn sleep. 
I guess when you love someone who doesn’t hurt you, it is harder to let them go. That’s the part that hurts the most. Coming to grips and reality that I’m in this boat again. Having to communicate with other men when I am not interested, but only because I am not alone.  
But I’m trying. Taking this as a teaching moment. 


9:10 pm and I’m already in bed. 
Once again, I choose not to have dinner.
I thought that I would be all teary eyed today.
Not really ready to go into detail but to share a little, I had to make a decision to walk out the life of someone whom I love. I did it on Thanksgiving, which I wish I didn’t because now I’ll always remember that.
It’s been a week. Some days things are smooth, other days I am falling apart, and some nights I sleep like a baby. I am trying to hold it together which has not been easy to do.
This situation is teaching me about the things I should accept for myself. I believe that whatever is happening right now is God’s plan.
I chose to make a selfish decision but the other person had made their decision with selfish intent as well. But we are allowed to choose ourselves when it’s not fitting. I am a fairly understanding individual.
There will be more post, I am sure of this. Some might come at 4:00 am, when I can’t help but to unravel my layers.

It’s been a tough week but I made it.