Rediscovering Peace: Running, again



Besides the tall dark and handsome father that walks his son to the bus that stops at the corner of my parents block, at approximately 7:15 AM, clean shaved, standing at 6’3, suit and tie guy, slim figure, checking his phone, wearing is wedding band, yes, I started running again.


I said I wanted to exercise more a few posts back, but with all the interviewing, school preparations, and altering my life to get out of my emotions because of the end of July, I didn’t make it happen this past August.

However, when I am determined, I am determined. By the time you see this, I should be at 12+ miles for the month. I run five times a week and a little over a mile each of those days.  It’s hard keeping up with it but I see the difference. My glut and my abdomen is tighter, which is what I want for wedding season, you never know, I might find a man.

A few years ago when I started my weight loss journey, running/walking, helped release the stressors of my life. Lately, things aren’t as stressful as prior years, but running, has alleviated my stress tremendously. I am breaking some emotional barriers down right now, getting through some things, and trying to maintain my mental wellness; running is necessary.

I bought new pants, a new bra to support these things, and changed my sneakers. The weather is surely changing so I need to get more suitable active wear for the climate. When the air hits my skin, I come alive ready for the day, all the madness, my kids who won’t listen to their parents, the BS emails, the kids who are excited to show me that they’ve passed an exam, or the parents whom are combative about following the rules, all while trying to fit in a lunch break; I feel good.

Other days, it doesn’t change what happens in the mind but it gets me through the unwanted memories. It is what it is.  

Laser: I paid to remove my flaws

Back in November of last year while scrolling on Facebook, I came across an article of a black owned skin clinic in Harlem. They specialized in laser hair removal, waxing, and skin treatment.  Impressed by the reviews and the story, I never forgot about them, so I kept them close in memory.  I was interested in doing laser hair removal and wanted to be sure about where I would be spending my money since this wasn’t covered by insurance.
A few weeks later in December as I sat in a training for work, the clinic that I had previously found had a special for three laser hair removal sessions for a small area. Intrigued by the price, YES, I swiped. Anxious wasn’t the word. If in that moment, If I were able to leave that training and start my first session I would have done so. That day, I paid to remove one of my flaws.
My first hair removal session was on December 29, 2015.
I discussed having been diagnosed in 2008 with PCOS in 43 and Inspiration Maybe?, but never spoke about the one thing that I despised about the disease; un-normal hair growth.I could barely look someone in the face because I thought they were seeing the one thing that made me feel so small in the world, facial hair. I I tried tweezing, shaving, almost waxing, and ignoring the hair while staying indoors for days at a time in the comfort of my own home to avoid the maintenance. It was such a painful process to remove the hair because the face is extremely sensitive. I always wondered, what the hell would I do about this chin hair on my wedding day? How do I explain this to my husband? When will I ever admit to this in a relationship? Well, an unwanted touch of the face and the strong like for the last guy I was with in the beginning of our relationship, I had to talk about it. He was the first guy I discussed my facial hair flaws with, but he was patient and understanding, Lawd I love him for that.  His patience wasn’t enough for me. 
I made it to my appointment every six to eight weeks an hour early. I wanted this thing gone for good. Just talking about this make my feel small. But now that its done, well with routine visits every six months, it doesn’t feel so bad.
If you’re interested in laser hair removal, here are some tips;
  •  Try to start sessions in the later months of the year, the less sunlight the better to protect your skin from hyper pigmentation.
  • Avoid sessions around your menstrual cycle, the body is very sensitive during that time, and the laser can be painful.
  • Continue using Sunscreen even after the two-week period after your session, protect your skin as best as you can.

My last session was today. One flaw down, 99 more to conquer.

July

June wasn’t bad but it wasn’t good either as discussed in my last post. My current agency is shutting down and there is no official date. So I have to be proactive and get out of there immediately. So my search continues into July.

I’m late on a July post. Well my July has started as an emotional one. I may discuss it later. But for right now, if I seem distant, know that I’m trying to get through this change. Nothing more or less.
I need to refocus on my aspirations in this month. The time is now because things are about to become really hectic depending upon tomorrow. I am about to make a huge change that I’ll talk about in a few days. Crosses fingers.
Weight Loss |
I felt the need to stretch my legs yesterday and decided to put on my headphone, grab my arm band, and start my Nike training app. Looking at my stats, I realized that I had not ran in exactly a month. Shame on me. The level of stress that was taking place in June, I should’ve been running more often. But Its July, the weather is warmer, and I prefer it, so not running isn’t an option. Aside from running, I need to start eating cleaner. I really need to condition myself to eat food. I am content in cereal and tea. I’ll be honest, that shit helped me lose a lot of weight last year. But I can clearly do better.
Finances |
He is my blessing in disguise, and without him I would’ve been crying a river within the next few hours. I ran into some moving violation troubles back in May. Dust it off, as if I could win this case by myself but I did not do my research. Lucky for me, a birthday card and some clarity, allowed us to speak again. Just last week while we were hanging out, during conversation he informed me of how big my troubles would be, and now I just used some of my savings to pay a lawyer. A few post back, I discussed the need for savings. Many American’s don’t have emergency savings. Something told me to get my shit together because it saved my ass. Now I am crying broke until I can rebuild my savings to a comfortable amount.
Growth and Patience |
I read through my blog and noticed that I am not as positive in some of my previous post. Which is not a problem at all. I love that I am as honest as I can be. Being human should be genuine. My twenties are nothing but adult issues that I’m clearly not prepared for. Even the things that I would like to change, I don’t think I would. But I say think loosely. Step by step, brick by brick, I am learning to accept it all. I think about all the positivity I do see but I cannot help but wonder what the negatives were. I want to know the deep, dark, scary parts of growth. Tell me your story. On days when it seems like I am stuck, I reflect on some of the scary parts, and realize that I must be patient with my growth. Anyone that isn’t patient with your growth, needs not to be in your story. I try to practice patience with others and their growth so I can better understand them. Growth is trivial to learning and understanding.

Wish me luck tomorrow, I’ll be in court. What do you have planned for July?

Mind over matter

I’ll keep this short and simple. 
I was suppose to start my January with resolutions but, I was overcoming other things. 
I haven’t been drinking water as I said I would.
I went to the gym once in January, on the 31st. 
I’m okay, at work for now, but I’m playing my cards right. 
I am going to be positive this month. 
I would love to run but my gluteus hurts. Maybe if the weather lighten’s up, I can run in Philly over the weekend. 
This too shall pass.

43



I was a no bra, cheap jeans, blouses that didn’t appeal to my body wearing, 214 pounds at the age of 23.

I was 20 when I thought I was doing the right thing by avoiding pregnancy when I took the Depo shot. I mean, I barely had money for myself and not to mention the guy in my life had no money to take me to the movies much less. It was a mess. All I thought about was the nickels I was making while attempting to get a C in my Anatomy class.

Six months later I was literally 50 pounds heavier. My stretch marks started to hurt while they developed all over my body. I was stressed. My family gave me about 4 nicknames in that period of time to remind me of much weight I gained. Every old friend that hadn’t seen me in years asked me if I had just given birth. It was real. My breast grew from a 34B to a 38DD.

It wasn’t until I realized that I could no longer keep buying these cheap jeans to wear that I went to Macy’s to buy a pair of Levi’s. I picked up a size 10 and 12. I walked into the fitted room and undressed. Even took off my sweater. I starred in the mirror in amazement. I avoided mirrors for a couple years. I really didn’t notice my weight. Or maybe I couldn’t face that I had gained so much. I tried on both sizes and neither of them fit. I walked out of Macy’s with a size 14. It took me a month to wear those jeans. But I tell you, it was the only pair of jeans that made me comfortable. So I wore them all the time! I still have them.

On a routine visit to see my favorite GYN (he was the one who delivered me at birth), as he looked down at my record weight, verbatim he said “men don’t like fat women”. I was so offended. But that day changed my life. He told me that I had a cyst on my ovary the size of a tennis ball and I was diagnosed with PCOS (poly cystic ovarian syndrome). He said ” at the rate of your weight gain, you may not be able to have children”. He prescribed me birth control and Metformin. I walked out the office, called my best friend and told her what he said. I never showed her the emotion I felt inside. I went home and cried.

I wanted to be sure that it was all a lie. That I was going to be able to have children. I watched YouTube, I googled the hell out PCOS research, I researched many diets to lose weight, and that’s when I found out about blogs. I started my first post about my PCOS and my struggles. At that time, I was 10 pounds lighter because my top weight was 225lbs.

Yesterday, I went to visit my favorite doctor after three long years. He looked up from my recorded weight and said “I’m proud of you. You were 43 pounds three years ago when I last seen you.” He continued you his check up. Looked at my ovaries with his sonogram machine, and said “All clear, you can have babies, are we trying to get pregnant?” Nah son. But I was so happy! I kept the consistency of birth control and weight loss that I have successfully treated the syndrome. I share this because before this visit I archived and seen my struggles with my weight insecurities, you can do it! It was hard but it can definitely be done.

I have 10 pounds to goal… And better get fit for wedding season (covers eyes).

GYM time

When your best friend is planning her wedding and gives you advance notice that you need to go into the gym, BUT, you get Starbucks instead.
Over the course of this year, I have been doing absolutely nothing to lose weight. I have maybe lost a good 15 lbs over the past year.
I am currently paying Blink Fitness for absolutely nothing, and I can not get out of this alleged contract without paying them out. Well now that I know my friend is planning her wedding I can use the extra cardio and put my money to use.
I am pretty active otherwise. I walk every morning almost a mile, so that does count as exercise I guess. I have been kinda starving myself but not on purpose. Is it just me or has anyone come home from work and despise the sight of the stove? Well there it goes! I just want to make a good cup of tea and complete some work.

Currently I need a distraction. That will be for another post, but now that the weather is getting colder, I can run like I use to. My semester is coming to a close and I’ll have a few weeks off so I need to get back in the motion of exercise so I can add it to my schedule. 

Any suggestions on toning? I think that I what I am ready for.