Nothing has changed but my weight

IMG_9794In this moment, I would rather be curled up with the person I love because they smell good and it just feels like the safest space to be on Earth but I am gathering the words to type this post. I don’t know what to say or where to start, but here I am.

Let me be as clear as possible, nothing has changed. This year I didn’t really write out my thoughts and goals. Why? Because nothing has changed. (I lied, I’m working on limiting my swearing). I’m in the same place as I was a few months ago and I think it’s because currently GOD is working on my timing. I believe that the change is going to come somewhere around August when I’m aligned with my biggest task of this year, which is, MOVING again.

I want to blame my emotions for the feelings that I am feeling right now but it’s really my weight. I guess I was happy last year because I gained almost 20 lbs and now I’m suffering. My body is telling me it’s time to get back in the groove of things but my favorite Little Debbie donuts have gotten the best of me. It’s easy for me to commit back to exercise but it’s actually making the time.

I have a few more classes and I’m out of school until my move or until 2019 fall. School is still busting my ass. I’m in need of a random secret getaway but I have not convinced myself as yet. However, in the next couple of months, I’ll be taking my first international trip since JA 2016, details to come soon.

I think I am rambling and complaining and not saying much but at least I said something.

I’ll attempt to look past the under 20-degree temperature tomorrow and actually try to change the weight.

Happy New Year or whatever.

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This is about 2017

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I started this post in another post riding the train about a week ago. But the other post didn’t feel right. Not that it was forced, but more about it not really delivering what I wanted to say. I think that December put me in an awkward space beginning with my brother’s wedding. You know that you’re getting older when your immediate family starts getting married and stuff. I finally experienced what most people hate; the “Are you next?” question. My parents and friends think that I’m secretive about my dating life but it’s more about the lack of dating and the confusion I choose to experience with my ex. So, I am not bringing him home or anyone else until I am sure or convinced enough that somebody actually wants my ass. After the wedding, I became lazy at work, which means, it’s time to go. I don’t hate my job, I just wish I were in a more fulfilling position. Next, school was physically bussing my ass and still is. Lastly, over the last few years my parents and I have not been in the best space and this causes me anxiety. The holidays make me sad because I am not happy with them, their poor decisions, and I am sacred as life keeps ticking because I feel the pressure of providing for them and I don’t have a family yet. Y’all, I am stressed out right now.  Continue reading “This is about 2017”

Nouvelle Année

This year started way better than it did last year. I was in between tears, frustrated with my job, was ready to be on my own, I was in my feelings over my ex that I missed like crazy but wasn’t trying to act on my emotions because I learned that shit got neither of us anywhere but the current place we’re in right now (nowhere), and school was busting my ass. Yes, it was one of my few depressive states. I barely spoke to my friends, I sat at happy hour alone many nights because it was the only entertainment I was willing to accept. I was not a happy person at all but look how things change in just a year!   
Okay so here are the resolutions for the new year: 
Go back to the gym
Read 5 books
Go on an international vacation 
Buy more art for my apartment 
Take 5 national trips (The Bay, Chicago, New Orleans, ATL, Texas) 
Buy myself something really nice 
I’m entering a new journey this year. I start my new job tomorrow, I’m anticipating my submission for graduation in a few months, and all the amazing things that God has for me! I’m praying for good health and to see year 28 in April. I’ve been praying.

Do you do resolutions? If so what’s on the agenda? 

Last Hours : Embrace the Uncertainty


I went back to 12/31/2015 to read my Last Hours post because I do resolutions. So let’s back track shall we, 
2016 resolutions, yes I do resolutions, 
Drink more water
If I don’t like it, I will say so
Say NO!
Lose 10 to 15 more pounds
Save more money
Finish spring semester smoothly
Take a trip for my birthday (currently planning)
Be more active on my blog
Tell the people I love that I love them
Give love one more try
Hmmm, I actually drink more water because juice isn’t satisfying at all. I make it very clear what I do not like in every aspect of my life (YOLO). Saying no has become easy to do. I honestly haven’t gained/lost weight at all which upsets me and makes me happy because a few weeks ago I thought I did gain but my doctor confirmed I actually didn’t lose or gain since my last annual visit. I saved money and spent it (explanation in the updates). I’m an A student! I made it to Jamaica for #YEAR27 and I got to say hello to my grandmother at her final resting place. I posted way more than I did in 2015, 61 post as of today! I said I love you even when it was associated with Good Bye, and I attempted to go get the man I love but that shit ain’t work out lol. 
So I did a good job at my resolutions!
Updates and Embracing the uncertainty:
After I came back home from my secret getaway at the end of July, that shit had me in my feelings. My world was extremely chaotic, and I felt heavy. In my Last Hourspost, I started the post with the thoughts that I was possibly suffering from Depression, well that is not a lie. I got brave contacted my insurance, googled a therapist, and started psychotherapy in September. I told my therapist almost everything in the hour that I met with her every other Saturday. From my issues with my family, financial stressors, home life, my unstable relationship with this man, my worries about my future, my internal battle with my education, and more. I went and got help. It was one of the biggest and best things I had done this year. I feel light! I am not on medication and I am not diagnosed with a severe form of Depression either, but talking to a professional helped me through these last months with all the changes.
Shortly after starting therapy, I received my new job offer. I cried at my desk like a baby when I got the news. I drafted so many post to discuss the feeling that came over me but words can’t explain. The competition is real and I won. My lucky blue suit, the long talks with myself in my mirror, and prayer got me that JOB. I needed it! This changes everything that I had fears about in the last two years, because around #YEAR25 shit got serious. Money isn’t an object, relationships are REAL, careers are crucial, credit is necessary, and babies aren’t cheap. Still working on things though.
Lastly, I literally moved three times since October. Left my cousins apartment that I rented a room in because I am no chump and I will not allow anyone to punk me either. I rented my first apartment in November and moved in right before Thanksgiving outside of the city. However, I am currently in my brand new apartment back in the Bronx that I officially moved into on 12/26! RIGHT IN TIME FOR THE NEW YEAR. I got my security deposit back for my first apartment, I know all this looks CRAY.
This year was rough. I do not know how I survived it but I keep saying that the way my resilience is SET UP; I can make it through almost anything. I am blessed and highly favored. Prayer is powerful because there is power in your words. Through the ups, downs, tears, heartbreak, there’s a lot to embrace in the uncertainty. Like Zora said, there are years that ask questions, and years that answer.
Happy New Year to my blog family and friends, thank you for the affirmations and support, you all have helped me through this year, I am grateful!

2017, what you got? We’re ready.

About last Friday….

Cliché to do the new year / new me post bullshit but there’s no new me. I’m just adding to the manuscript.

It’s almost a week into the new year and beside drinking water like I said I would, I had no problems recently saying how I feel to someone whom maybe I shouldn’t even had given attention to. It felt good though.


Beside my sadden Sunday, I actually enjoy sitting alone at happy hour. It’s better than purchasing my own bottle and drinking my sorrows away, that I don’t believe in, happy hour allows you to drink what you can afford. But I enjoy sitting at the bar reading through archives of my favorite bloggers. Some of you are connecting with me. It’s almost spiritual. It’s also giving me an opportunity to plan out my move, hopefully by the beginning of next year. New city, new “me” (maybe).


I didn’t want to be alone for New Year’s, well since I have never really brought it in by myself anyway, I jumped up and brought it in with my two amazing long time friends at church. Church is always good. What happened after church, well, I didn’t do anything strange for some change. I came in at a reasonable hour. Slightly inebriated. But I was good. And I looked good.


I praise myself about my 43 lbs. I need to tighten up my stomach but I look good. Yes, let me toot my own horn, (toot toot).





It’s been almost a week… What’s “new” ?

Last Hours

I have learned a lot. There were many tears because a lot has happened. I thank God for all the tears. There were days I thought I was possibly suffering from depression. One minute I was up and the next I wasn’t sure if I’d be happy again. But I had a lot of support and encouragement. I have been blessed with an amazing friend that I was able to share the year with. Someone who changed my life drastically. I am forever indebted to them for their patience. This year has been tough.

There were nights I didn’t have dinner. There were days I didn’t have a dollar. But there were friends who feed me, and provided what they could. I thought I was losing out on fun because of the lack of funds. Although, I started a new job with a higher salary than my last. Things were difficult but it was a change that I am happy about. I needed it. And this is only the beginning.
Despite the difficulties of life and love, I have learned to let go, to communicate more, something’s I cannot control, its okay to be sad, its okay to be disappointed, its okay to love and not receive love, your family isn’t your burden, and always love yourself more. There is much more to say but these notions define the trials and tribulations of my year.
2016 resolutions, yes I do resolutions,
     Drink more water
   If I don’t like it, I will say so
 Say NO!
 Lose 10 to 15 more pounds
Save more money
Finish spring semester smoothly
Take a trip for my birthday (currently planning)
Be more active on my blog
Tell the people I love that I love them
Give love one more try
This may seem simple but its not! There will be days when it will be tough again. But we choose the energy that we bring into our world. I am no longer letting unwanted energy come in the way of my happiness.  

Happy New Year!