This is about 2017

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I started this post in another post riding the train about a week ago. But the other post didn’t feel right. Not that it was forced, but more about it not really delivering what I wanted to say. I think that December put me in an awkward space beginning with my brother’s wedding. You know that you’re getting older when your immediate family starts getting married and stuff. I finally experienced what most people hate; the “Are you next?” question. My parents and friends think that I’m secretive about my dating life but it’s more about the lack of dating and the confusion I choose to experience with my ex. So, I am not bringing him home or anyone else until I am sure or convinced enough that somebody actually wants my ass. After the wedding, I became lazy at work, which means, it’s time to go. I don’t hate my job, I just wish I were in a more fulfilling position. Next, school was physically bussing my ass and still is. Lastly, over the last few years my parents and I have not been in the best space and this causes me anxiety. The holidays make me sad because I am not happy with them, their poor decisions, and I am sacred as life keeps ticking because I feel the pressure of providing for them and I don’t have a family yet. Y’all, I am stressed out right now.  Continue reading “This is about 2017”

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Would you be proud of me?

I walked into a local bakery Friday afternoon after supporting my friend at her father’s funeral. I notice something familiar that brought me back to childhood. Every time I see it, I think of you. Wasn’t hungry enough to eat it right then and there but sure that I’d have it for breakfast one of these upcoming mornings.

Here I am on this beautiful Sunday morning. Enjoying the silence in my parent’s house as I drink ginger tea and the carrot cake I purchased Friday. You use to buy it when we would walk from shop to shop on White plains road to keep me from asking you for anything else. It was the perfect distraction.
Today, I was hoping it would be the perfect distraction, but unfortunately it’s not. I’m currently in a boat of emotions and wondering what would you do? There are days when I feel like I’m failing, sometimes the people around me make me feel the same, I make choices that I sometimes regret but oddly am thankful for, I want to know if I am learning lessons or if this is God’s plan, am I on the right track and is this where I am supposed to be, am I ignoring the signs that will lead me to my next big step, but all together I keep wondering would you be proud of me?

This wasn’t written without tears, today I’m not strong enough. If only heaven had visiting hours, I’d purchase a ticket with my last. But unfortunately, I’ll enjoy this cake in your memory. I’ll continue to work hard, pray, and hope that you’ll be proud of me.