I will not…..

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January 2018, Union Square Park

Can you believe it’s almost May? I can’t believe it either because it feels like fall in New York City. I cannot wait to take my talents to the south so I can enjoy the warmer climate. But about April…..

I celebrated my 29th birthday with my family and a few close friends. I think cutting cake became a family tradition a few years ago if birthdays were during the week, so it was only right to invite too many people this year in my tiny studio apartment for cake. I wasn’t the happiest at the start of my day but the love was felt by the end.

I’ve been in crunch time mode this month trying to finish up a couple classes and adjusting my time management at work. Goal number two is on the way and I need to find the motivation to keep pushing through. Look out for me June 7th.

Scrolling through Instagram stories, one of my favorite bloggers expressed that she felt sad and realized that she was still grieving the loss of her mother. She continued to express that it was okay to be sad, cry, or be in a funk because it’s part of the process. This resonated with me because I too am grieving. The loss of my grandmother still triggers me, a recent break up has me completely torn, and an old friend died a week ago during heart surgery; I’m grieving.

The biggest assumption about me is that I am strong, but I feel too. I feel a lot more than I want to and sometimes I sacrifice more of myself to comfort others so I appear strong. Today I am proclaiming that I am currently weak. And there is nothing wrong with being weak, I’m okay being weak. I took my ass to a therapist and asked for help to become stronger again because I am feeling right now. I may or may not be quite in May but I most definitely will be much better, THANKS to my bomb ass therapist!

Thanks to my Friend Kenny: Amanda means “Will not Fall” in Igbo.

Affirming: “I WILL NOT FALL”

How was your April and what are you anticipating for May?

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This is about 2017

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I started this post in another post riding the train about a week ago. But the other post didn’t feel right. Not that it was forced, but more about it not really delivering what I wanted to say. I think that December put me in an awkward space beginning with my brother’s wedding. You know that you’re getting older when your immediate family starts getting married and stuff. I finally experienced what most people hate; the “Are you next?” question. My parents and friends think that I’m secretive about my dating life but it’s more about the lack of dating and the confusion I choose to experience with my ex. So, I am not bringing him home or anyone else until I am sure or convinced enough that somebody actually wants my ass. After the wedding, I became lazy at work, which means, it’s time to go. I don’t hate my job, I just wish I were in a more fulfilling position. Next, school was physically bussing my ass and still is. Lastly, over the last few years my parents and I have not been in the best space and this causes me anxiety. The holidays make me sad because I am not happy with them, their poor decisions, and I am sacred as life keeps ticking because I feel the pressure of providing for them and I don’t have a family yet. Y’all, I am stressed out right now.  Continue reading “This is about 2017”

Would you be proud of me?

I walked into a local bakery Friday afternoon after supporting my friend at her father’s funeral. I notice something familiar that brought me back to childhood. Every time I see it, I think of you. Wasn’t hungry enough to eat it right then and there but sure that I’d have it for breakfast one of these upcoming mornings.

Here I am on this beautiful Sunday morning. Enjoying the silence in my parent’s house as I drink ginger tea and the carrot cake I purchased Friday. You use to buy it when we would walk from shop to shop on White plains road to keep me from asking you for anything else. It was the perfect distraction.
Today, I was hoping it would be the perfect distraction, but unfortunately it’s not. I’m currently in a boat of emotions and wondering what would you do? There are days when I feel like I’m failing, sometimes the people around me make me feel the same, I make choices that I sometimes regret but oddly am thankful for, I want to know if I am learning lessons or if this is God’s plan, am I on the right track and is this where I am supposed to be, am I ignoring the signs that will lead me to my next big step, but all together I keep wondering would you be proud of me?

This wasn’t written without tears, today I’m not strong enough. If only heaven had visiting hours, I’d purchase a ticket with my last. But unfortunately, I’ll enjoy this cake in your memory. I’ll continue to work hard, pray, and hope that you’ll be proud of me.