Weeks before the shutdown I canceled my session with my photographer. I wasn’t 100% about what I wanted my 31st year of life photo to be. I knew I wasn’t happy about the flow out of my 30th year but struggled to admit it. For the life of me, I can never just follow my gut sometimes. Over the last year, I was seeing something through while running the risk of potentially damaging whatever faith I had left. I may not write everything on paper but I sure as hell SCREAM it into the universe. God has never failed me, but I keep battling my journey with his path (think about that).
I washed my hair the day before, used some leave in that I really don’t like, but I wasn’t starting my new year without fresh hair. Minutes before this photo I decided that I wanted to put on make-up and this lipstick I found from my curlfest gift bag. Stood in the middle of my apartment placed my camera on the tripod, turned on the remote, snapped a couple of photos while explaining to a friend why the hell I am not in California for the 30th time.
How fitting? To place my camera toward my newest addition to my apartment – the table. I spent the last 3 almost 4 years eating in my kitchen or on the couch. Which would be considered new for me since my family and I always ate dinner at the table. I finally got rid of the bar stools that were convenient but not reliable as an eating nook, sold my desk thinking I’d be relocating to California in March but that plan swiftly changed in January, so I found the table and chairs on Let Go and knew immediately what I needed. A place to gather, eat, work, laugh, and somehow, I’ve sat here and cried already.
This year I’m conflicted. I’m scared. I’m about to be challenged and I don’t know if I’m ready, but I know it’s coming. This is the thing about my gut that I keep talking about. I’m certain that I am about to feel and see something real and I guess I don’t know if it’s the right timing. That’s ultimately the struggle – I think. My favorite quote is, “There are years that ask questions and years that answer” by Zora Neale Hurston, but somehow this year I’m confirming.
Let’s see 31.