In 30 days I’ll have much more to say but for now it’s my official last month of my 29th year of life. Can I tell you how excited I am to enter my 30s. I’ve been waiting my entire 20s because they were trash. I’ll expound on that later……
However, I’ve been quiet. I’ve detached so I can attach again. Grief snuck up on me out of nowhere. Let me explain a little. If you watched “This is Us” – the Island Girlepisode we see Beth’s story. I don’t want to give away too much but following up via Instagram in somebody’s comment section, I saw “…we don’t have time to be sad, depressed, disappointed, etc…”and just like that, it HIT me.
This may sound crazy but it’s my truth – losing someone last year around this exact time and navigating through that, has taught me that I never really gave myself time to deal with other matters of the heart. For almost a year, I’ve been able to sit in my thoughts and feelings. Being able to do so, it has been one of my most emotionally challenging moments yet. It started when I cried at my desk (Lordt), I have cried about my grandmother more than the year she passed, I cried my eyes out on the day of my graduation, I’ve cried whenever I wanted to make calls that I knew I couldn’t make, I’ve cried over all the disappointing moments that had come up and triggered me during the last four years, and even found myself crying in the back of an Uber one night leaving a party. Mannnnnnnnnnn – grief hit me like a ton of bricks. I’m sure I’m missing a few more moments but you get my drift. Living this opened my eyes and allowed me to see that I never took the time to be sad, depressed, disappointed, etc. and after so many years, I’m letting it all go. I’ve pulled back because I don’t want to always be sad here and today, I’m okay. I needed to feel this out and keep pushing. I guess I’m sharing because maybe someone won’t feel alone.
Funny enough my motto at the start of the year was;
“We are not keeping anything on our hearts.”
I’m still here,